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Percentage of Tasmanian Men and Women Playing Team Sports: 2015

Percentage of Tasmanian Men and Women Playing Team Sports: 2015 lyg9
The bar chart indicates, the information about the percentage of male and female as per their ages who had played in Tasmanians competitive team sports in 2015. Overall, the popular age group with most of the young people who had taken part in Tasmanian playing team sports was the age group of 20-29. Whereas, the lowest participants who had the least members of males and females in team were 50 and over. To begin, the most number of people were in the group of 19 and under where 55% of males and 53% females were the part of this group. Similarly, the age group of 20-29 had the 58% of males in their team but the participation of the females had huge difference as similar as the age group of 19 and under where only 32% of females had participated. Moreover, the age group of 30 to 39 had 40% of males and 10 percent less females as players. Furthermore, the percentage ratio in the group of 40-49 had the approximate 30 percent of participants. Whereas, 50 and over aged group had 25% males and 25% of females as the participants of Tasmanians competitive team sports.
The bar chart indicates, the information about the percentage of male and
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female
as per their
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ages
who had played in
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Tasmanians
competitive
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team
sports in 2015.

Overall
, the popular
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age
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group
with most of the young
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people
who had taken part in Tasmanian playing
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team
sports was the
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age
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group
of 20-29. Whereas, the lowest participants who had the least members of
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males
and
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females
in
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team
were 50 and over.

To
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begin
, the most number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were in the
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group
of 19 and under where 55% of
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males
and 53%
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females
were the part of this
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group
.
Similarly
, the
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age
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group
of 20-29 had the 58% of
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males
in their
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team
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the participation of the
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females
had huge difference as similar as the
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 19 and under where
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only
32% of
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females
had participated.
Moreover
, the
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 30 to 39 had 40% of
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males
and 10 percent
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun females is countable.
less
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females
as players.

Furthermore
, the percentage ratio in the
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group
of 40-49 had the approximate 30 percent of participants. Whereas, 50 and over aged
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group
had 25%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and 25% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
as the participants of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tasmanians
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
sports.
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IELTS academic Percentage of Tasmanian Men and Women Playing Team Sports: 2015

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
196 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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