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percentage of graduated anthropology students

percentage of graduated anthropology students 1byKL
The pie chart compares the percentage of graduated anthropology students from one university in case of work type, while the table gives us information about their salaries after five years work experience. It is clear from the chart that more than half of the students were able to obtain a full time job. 15 percent had part-time work, while a little bit more than one-tenth of the respondents were unemployed at the time of the research. Some of the anthropology graduates didn’t end their studies yet: 5 percent had a part-time job, while 8 percent continued the student lifestyle. The table makes a comparison between three types of career path: freelance consultants, government workers and employees of private companies. One-fifth of the former two have a salary over 75, 000 dollar. The government sector provides the best salary, half of their employers earn more than 100, 000 dollar monthly, while just 40% of the freelance consultants can reach this income. Private companies offer more than 100, 000 dollar just for one-fifth of their anthropology graduated workers. The diagram explains the process for making chocolate. There are a total of ten stages in the process, beginning with the growing of the pods on the cacao tree and culminating in the production of the chocolate. After the pods are ripe red, they are harvested and the little white beans are taken out. After that comes the fermentation of the beans and they are spreaded on the sun to dry. They change their white color into brown during this phase because of the heat of the sun. In the fifth phase the workers put the beans in large sacks, and then they are transported by train or lorry into a factory. Next, the beans are roasted at 350 Celsius degrees. After that a machine crushes the beans and removes their outer shell. Finally the liquid chocolate is ready to eat, after the inner part of the beans is pressured by enormous metall rolls.
The pie chart compares the percentage of graduated anthropology students from one university in case of work type, while the table gives us information about their salaries after five years work experience.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the chart that more than half of the students were able to obtain a full time job. 15 percent had part-time work, while a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
more than one-tenth of the respondents
were unemployed
at the time of the research.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
anthropology graduates didn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their studies
yet
: 5 percent had a part-time job, while 8 percent continued the student lifestyle.

The table
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a comparison between three types of career path: freelance consultants,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
workers and employees of private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. One-fifth of the former two have a salary over 75, 000
Possible agreement error. The noun 'dollar' seems to be countable, so consider using: "dollars".
dollar
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
sector provides the best salary, half of their employers earn more than 100, 000
Possible agreement error. The noun 'dollar' seems to be countable, so consider using: "dollars".
dollar
monthly, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
40% of the freelance consultants can reach this income. Private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
offer more than 100, 000
Possible agreement error. The noun 'dollar' seems to be countable, so consider using: "dollars".
dollar
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for one-fifth of their anthropology graduated workers.

The diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
the process for making chocolate. There are a total of ten stages in the process, beginning with the growing of the pods on the cacao tree and culminating in the production of the chocolate.

After the pods are ripe red, they
are harvested
and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
white
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beans
are taken
out. After that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
the fermentation of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
beans and
they are
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "spread", the past tense form of the verb 'spread'?
spreaded
on the sun to dry. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their white color into brown during this phase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the heat of the sun. In the fifth phase the workers put the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beans
in large sacks, and then they
are transported
by train or lorry into a factory.

Next
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beans
are roasted
at 350 Celsius degrees. After that a machine crushes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beans
and removes their outer shell.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
the liquid chocolate is ready to eat, after the inner part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beans
is pressured
by enormous
Possible spelling mistake found.
metall
rolls.
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IELTS academic percentage of graduated anthropology students

Academic
  American English
6 paragraphs
330 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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