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people from 2 age groups enrolled in different clubs

people from 2 age groups enrolled in different clubs OM03k
The rendered horizontal column graph demonstrates how many people, divided by two age groups, are enrolled themselves in the distinct clubs: gardening photography, fitness, arts and crafts, music/dance and cycling at a leisure centre. It is readily apparent that adults participated significantly higher than senior people except gardening, which is the most popular among older people. It is clear from the graph that 25-35 age group prefer cycling club with total number of 65 and it is the most popular in this age group, whereas only 10 older citizens joined this club. Gardening, one category, is a favourite club of older people with figure of around 53 members and it is approximately double of young people, who are in this club. The second most preferred club by adults is arts and crafts, which is 3 fold of senior civilians, who participated for the same. The number of people in two clubs fitness and music/dance both age groups contribute appropriately the same, roughly 52 younger dwellers and 50 older dwellers. Interestingly, photography is only one club in which both group members are equal, nearly 43 people in each group.
The rendered horizontal column graph demonstrates how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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people
, divided by two
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age
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groups
,
are enrolled
themselves in the distinct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clubs
: gardening photography, fitness, arts and crafts, music/dance and cycling at a leisure
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
.

It is
readily
apparent that adults participated
significantly
higher than senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
except gardening, which is the most popular among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the graph that 25-35
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
prefer cycling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
with total number of 65 and it is the most popular in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
citizens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
. Gardening, one category, is a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with figure of around 53 members and it is approximately double of young
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people
, who are in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
. The second most preferred
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
by adults is arts and crafts, which is 3
Possible agreement error. The noun 'fold' seems to be countable, so consider using: "folds".
fold
of senior civilians, who participated for the same.

The number of
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people
in two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clubs
fitness and music/dance both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
contribute
appropriately
the same, roughly 52 younger dwellers and 50
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
dwellers.
Interestingly
, photography is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
club
in which both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
members are equal,
nearly
43
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
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IELTS academic people from 2 age groups enrolled in different clubs

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
188 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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