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Online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013

Online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013 oRlBX
The two pie charts illustrate comparisons of a retail value in terms of online marketing among four sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. The four sectors include travel, clothes, books, and film/music. Overall, if we see the trend of 2003 and 2013, film marketing shows a significant increase in selling by 12%, and book sales increase in small amount by 3% as compared to 2003. However, clothes and travel sales dropped significantly by 8% and 7% respectively in 2013 than of 2003. In 2003, the highest sale was observed in travel which was slightly higher than one-third (36%) of the total sales. However, sale in travel dropped by 7% in 2013 reaching to 29%. In 2003, the second highest sales were in clothing that comprise of 24% but in 2013, clothing has the lowest sale out of four sectors which is 16%. There is a slight increase in sale of book by 3% in 2013 from 2003. Finally, the highest rise of sale in 2013 was done by entertainment sectors which is one-third of total sales in 2013. Entertainment field had fairly more than 20% of sale in 2003 which increased by 12% in 2013.
The two pie charts illustrate comparisons of a retail value in terms of online marketing among four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. The four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
include
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travel
, clothes, books, and film/music.

Overall
, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the trend of 2003 and 2013, film marketing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a significant increase in selling by 12%, and book
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sales
increase in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount by 3% as compared to 2003.
However
, clothes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
dropped
significantly
by 8% and 7%
respectively
in 2013 than of 2003.

In 2003, the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
was observed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
which was
slightly
higher than one-third (36%) of the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
dropped by 7% in 2013 reaching to 29%. In 2003, the second highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
were in clothing that
Did you mean "comprise" or "consist of"?
comprise of
24%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in 2013, clothing has the lowest
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sale
out of four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
which is 16%. There is a slight increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
of book by 3% in 2013 from 2003.
Finally
, the highest rise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
in 2013
was done
by entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
which is one-third of total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2013. Entertainment field had
fairly
more than 20% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
in 2003 which increased by 12% in 2013.
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IELTS academic Online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
197 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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