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Muscle Man Gym wants to increase women member enrollment. The percentage of women who have monthly memberships is currently only 20%. In order to increase the number of women members, Muscle Man Gym should buy more cardiovascular equipment, because women

Muscle Man Gym wants to increase women member enrollment. The percentage of women who have monthly memberships is currently only 20%. In order to increase the number of women members, Muscle Man Gym should buy more cardiovascular equipment, because women XGogr
The speaker unreasonably concludes that ways to attract women members to get enrolled in order to increase the profits. Among the several untenable assumptions, the most glaring one pertains to increase in the cardiovascular equipment which would increase their business is entirely unsupported. The evidence is too weak and mostly irrelevant to the issues involved. Unless a number of questions were answered satisfactorily, this cannot be considered as a cogent argument. Firstly the author states that muscle man gym wants to increase their women member enrollment which is currently twenty percent but he hasn't mentioned out of how much is that twenty percent refers too. There is no clear data or graph which represents the percentage of women members in the gym. He also failed to address about the gym services more eloquently. Secondly he mentions that to increase women members cardiovascular equipments should be more in the gym but there is not clear data about does women only use that equipment in the gym. Given that women likes to use cardio machines on what basis he concludes the statement did he take any members polls and then bring into such conclusion or it was just his assumption. Pictures of body building women and lowering the prices for women members would really increase in their profits was there any proof that thing like this happened before in any other gym. Thirdly there was no adequate data to ask to why does he wants to increase women member enrollment does that mean the men enrollment is good enough for their business. Is there a possibility that any other gym in surroundings has huge women enrollment so this decreases their business to gain that this is just a business tactics as he mentions to advertise so that people would get attracted. He also failed to mention the price which that is charged for women what if the charges are really too low and if they completely lower the prices then what is their profit that would have been more clearly stated. In the conclusion this argument would have been more eloquent if the speaker had given more information about the reason behind to increase the enrollment of women members in the gym. Without ruling out alternative explanations and in the absence of requisite information this argument can't be deemed to be persuasive.
The speaker
unreasonably
concludes that ways to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
enrolled in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the profits. Among the several untenable assumptions, the most glaring one pertains to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the cardiovascular equipment which would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is
entirely
unsupported. The evidence is too weak and
mostly
irrelevant to the issues involved. Unless a number of questions
were answered
satisfactorily
, this cannot
be considered
as a cogent argument.

Firstly
the author states that muscle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enrollment
which is
currently
twenty percent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he hasn't mentioned out of how much is that twenty percent refers too. There is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
data or graph which represents the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
. He
also
failed to address about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
services more
eloquently
.

Secondly
he mentions that to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
cardiovascular equipments should be more in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
data about does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that equipment in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
likes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cardio machines on what basis he concludes the statement did he take any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
polls and then bring into such conclusion or it was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
his assumption. Pictures of body building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and lowering the prices for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
would
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in their profits was there any proof that thing like this happened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
in any other gym.

Thirdly
there was no adequate data to
This is a collocation error. You do not need a preposition after 'ask'. Remove it: "ask".
ask to
why does he
Did you mean "want"? As 'do' is already inflected, the verb cannot also be inflected.
wants
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enrollment
does that mean the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enrollment
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. Is there a possibility that any other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
in surroundings has huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enrollment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this decreases their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
to gain that this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "tactic"?
tactics
as he mentions to advertise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted. He
also
failed to mention the price which that
is charged
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
what if the charges are
really
too low and if they completely lower the prices then what is their profit that would have been more
clearly
stated.

In the conclusion this argument would have been more eloquent if the speaker had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more information about the reason behind to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enrollment
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
. Without ruling out alternative explanations and in the absence of requisite information this argument can't
be deemed
to be persuasive.
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IELTS academic Muscle Man Gym wants to increase women member enrollment. The percentage of women who have monthly memberships is currently only 20%. In order to increase the number of women members, Muscle Man Gym should buy more cardiovascular equipment, because women

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
390 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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