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Money soent on music in ireland in 2005, 2008, 2011

Money soent on music in ireland in 2005, 2008, 2011 K0R3N
The given pie charts illustrate alterations and comparisons in the percentage of money expanded on music in Northern Ireland in 2005, 2008 and 2011. It can be seen from the graph that people spent more on digital downloads while using CDs showed a reverse pattern over a 6-year period. Profits made from people downloading music digitally witnessed a sevenfold increase from 6% in 2005 to reach a peak of more than two-fifths in 2011. This number is nearly 2 times higher than that made by CDs users in the given year, making it the most profitable way among the other four. On the other hand, CDs users occupied a vast majority (61%) in the first year of the investigation before plummeting substantially to just over a quarter in the next 6 years. During the whole research, figures for concerts and other resources remained stable at approximately 27% and 2%, respectively.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pie charts illustrate alterations and comparisons in the percentage of money expanded on music in Northern Ireland in 2005, 2008 and 2011.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the graph that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spent more on digital downloads while using CDs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a reverse pattern over a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
6-year
period.

Profits made from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
downloading music
digitally
witnessed a sevenfold increase from 6% in 2005 to reach a peak of more than two-fifths in 2011. This number is
nearly
2 times higher than that made by CDs users in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, making it the most profitable way among the other four.

On the other hand
, CDs users occupied a vast majority (61%) in the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of the investigation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
plummeting
substantially
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over a quarter in the
next
6 years. During the whole research, figures for concerts and other resources remained stable at approximately 27% and 2%,
respectively
.
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IELTS academic Money soent on music in ireland in 2005, 2008, 2011

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
150 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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