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Job sector unemployment problem

Job sector unemployment problem bx2Bl
In the present time, there are several countries suffer with so many highly graduates without employment. The factor is lack of education system. In terms of the cuase for this situation, firstly, i would say our education systems lackings. Secondly, the people who have higher graduation with no job they have not that potential to do something creative or unique. Lastly, if a true (well studied) higher graduates cannot find a job then the cause for this situation is luck which called bad luck. Such as a well graduate, go for a job interview and there's only 3 slot available for job but that graduate do well in the interview when it comes to selection he will not pick by the selectors because of our lobbying system. In my opinion, first of all, we need to repair our education system on those countries. After that, we need to incourage our on going graduates to do something to do something in your own do not depend on others, then we will see atleast 50% of unemplyment will reduce in future. Moreover, we need to delete the system called lobbying which is highly effected in our job sector. To give a clear example, if a graduate don't have that opportunity to do something innovative but well deserving for a job spot but in that well graduates job spot a bad graduate doing work through lobbying system. In conclusion, around 30% countries across the world are suffering with this higher graduates unemplyment. But, this problem can be solve by reducing corruption in the job sectors.
In the present time, there are several countries suffer with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
without employment. The factor is lack of education system.

In terms of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
cuase
for this situation,
firstly
,
Did you mean "I"?
i
would say our education systems
Possible spelling mistake found.
lackings
.
Secondly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have higher graduation with no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they have not that potential to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
creative or unique.
Lastly
, if a true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
(well
studied) higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
cannot find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
then the cause for this situation is luck which called
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
luck. Such as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
, go for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
interview and there's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3
Possible agreement error. The noun 'slot' seems to be countable, so consider using: "slots".
slot
available for
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job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
in the interview when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to selection he will not pick by the selectors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of our lobbying system.

In my opinion,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, we need to repair our education system on those countries. After that, we need to
Possible spelling mistake found.
incourage
our
Did you mean "ongoing"?
on going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
in your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
do not depend on others, then we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
Possible spelling mistake found.
atleast
50% of
Possible spelling mistake found.
unemplyment
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
Moreover
, we need to delete the system called lobbying which is
highly
effected in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sector. To give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
don't have that opportunity to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
innovative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
deserving for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
spot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
spot a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
doing work through lobbying system.

In conclusion
, around 30% countries across the world are suffering with this higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
Possible spelling mistake found.
unemplyment
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, this problem can be
Consider using the past participle "solved"?
solve
by reducing corruption in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sectors.
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IELTS academic Job sector unemployment problem

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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