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Japanese people travelling abroad during time period between 1985 to 1995

Japanese people travelling abroad during time period between 1985 to 1995 Bajj9
This first chart provides the information regarding Japanese people travelling abroad during time period between 1985 to 1995. Similarly the second chart illustrates the percentage of people coming from Japan to Australia during 1985 to 1995. Overall, it represents that Japanese citizens travelling abroad increased with the passage of time and rose to approximately 15 million people in one decade which was initially at 4 million in year 1985. Whereas the tourist from Japan travelling to Australia increased by 4 million during 1985 to 1986. Initially in 1985 there were approximately 4. 5 million travelers from Japan who traveled abroad and the travelling increased at a slight pace from 1986 to 1990. Slight decline was observed during 1991 and it increased slightly in 1992 and almost remained same in 1996at 12 million travelers. Further in year 1994 and 1995 it can be seen that there was a spike, travelers rose from 13. 7 million to 15. 6 million in just one year time span. In 1985 2 million people traveled Australia from Japan and it increased continuously till 1988 and went up to somewhere around 4. 7 million. There was a slight dip observed by approximately point 5 million till 1989, further the number of travelers increased from 1989 till year 1993 and were more than 6 million. Later in 1994 it can be observed that there is a small but continuous decline till end of year 1994 which was at 6 million.
This
first
chart provides the information regarding Japanese
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people
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travelling
abroad during time period
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1985 and 1995".
between 1985 to 1995
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
the second chart illustrates the percentage of
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people
coming from
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Japan
to Australia during 1985 to 1995.

Overall
, it represents that Japanese citizens
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travelling
abroad
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increased
with the passage of time and rose to approximately 15
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million
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people
in one decade which was
initially
at 4
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million
in
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year
1985.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
the tourist from
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Japan
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travelling
to Australia
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increased
by 4
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million
during 1985 to 1986.

Initially
in 1985 there were approximately 4. 5
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million
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travelers
from
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Japan
who traveled abroad and the
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travelling
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increased
at a slight pace from 1986 to 1990. Slight decline
was observed
during 1991 and it
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increased
slightly
in 1992 and almost remained same in 1996at 12
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million
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travelers
.
Further
in
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year
1994 and 1995 it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that there was a spike,
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travelers
rose from 13. 7
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million
to 15. 6
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million
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one
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year
time span.

In 1985 2
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million
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people
traveled Australia from
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Japan
and it
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increased
continuously
till 1988 and went up to somewhere around 4. 7
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million
. There was a slight dip observed by approximately point 5
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million
till 1989,
further
the number of
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travelers
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increased
from 1989 till
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year
1993 and were more than 6
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million
. Later in 1994 it can
be observed
that there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
continuous decline till
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of
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year
1994 which was at 6
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million
.

IELTS academic Japanese people travelling abroad during time period between 1985 to 1995

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
243 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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