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It is said that game online is one of the topics worrying many parents these days.

It is said that game online is one of the topics worrying many parents these days. 70AlX
There is no disputing that along with the development of technology, the number of teenagers playing computer games has been increasing dramatically. Some individual claim that electronic game has annoyed many parents because of its disadvantages. In my viewpoint, I strongly disagree with this idea and there are compelling reasons for it. First of all, it is worth considering that players are possible to sharpen hand-eye coordination and improve their motor skills. When playing games, they not only starting at the computer inactively but also have to keep an eye on their hostile characters as well as finish their mission. There is a need for them to coordinate their visual, audial and physical movement. Another factor to notice is that computer simulation games assist children to enhance their problem-solving skills. Adolescents have to carefully analyze and evaluate before making logical moves to attain a target. Which makes a meaningful contribution to better goal-setting abilities. Ultimately, computer games not only enrich youngsters’ social skills but also magnify their teamwork contribution. Online gaming enables many players to engage in a particular game simultaneously. Juveniles have a tendency to communicate with other virtual multiplayer. Therefore, there is constant communication between players, which widen new interpersonal relationships and also strengthen the association with old friends. To say briefly, online game also has many good points and children need to control playing time
There is no disputing that along with the development of technology, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has been increasing
dramatically
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individual claim that electronic game has annoyed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its disadvantages. In my viewpoint, I
strongly
disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and there are compelling reasons for it.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is worth considering that players are possible to sharpen hand-eye coordination and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their motor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. When playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
starting at the computer
inactively
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on their hostile characters
as well
as finish their mission. There is a need for them to coordinate their visual, audial and physical movement.

Another factor to notice is that computer simulation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
assist children to enhance their problem-solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Adolescents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
carefully
analyze and evaluate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making logical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
to attain a target.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a meaningful contribution to better goal-setting abilities.

Ultimately
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enrich youngsters’ social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
magnify their teamwork contribution. Online gaming enables
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
players to engage in a particular game
simultaneously
. Juveniles have a tendency to communicate with other virtual multiplayer.
Therefore
, there is constant communication between players, which widen new interpersonal relationships and
also
strengthen the association with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
friends.

To say
briefly
, online game
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
points and children need to control playing time
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IELTS academic It is said that game online is one of the topics worrying many parents these days.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
227 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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