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Intake of 3 nutrients by average person the USA

Intake of 3 nutrients by average person the USA J0oKa
The pie charts illustrate the percentage of nutrients consumed by an average person in the USA through the food intake in the form of meals and snacks. Fundamentally, the maximum intake of nutrients takes place during dinner for instance; approximately half of the sodium, one-fourth of added sugar and 37% of saturated fat are consumed during dinner. Secondly, proportional intake of Sodium is equal during breakfast and snacks, in addition to it, 29% of sodium intake occurs during lunch. Moreover, approximately a quarter of saturated fat intake takes place during snacks and lunch. Moreover, the intake of added sugar during breakfast, lunch and dinner varies from 16% to 23%. Besides this, the maximum of all, 42% of added sugar is consumed in the form of snacks. Consequently, it is also lucid that excessive intake of several nutrients may be unhealthy so all nutrients are taken in definite proportion like only 16% of saturated fat is consumed during breakfast.
The pie charts illustrate the percentage of
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nutrients
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consumed
by an average person in the USA through the food
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intake
in the form of meals and snacks.

Fundamentally
, the maximum
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intake
of
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nutrients
takes place during dinner
for instance
; approximately half of the sodium, one-fourth of
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added
sugar and 37% of saturated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
are
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consumed
during dinner.
Secondly
, proportional
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intake
of Sodium is equal during breakfast and snacks,
in addition
to it, 29% of sodium
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intake
occurs during lunch.
Moreover
, approximately a quarter of saturated
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fat
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intake
takes place during snacks and lunch.

Two successive sentences begin with the same adverb. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Moreover
, the
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intake
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
sugar during breakfast, lunch and dinner varies from 16% to 23%.
Besides
this, the maximum of all, 42% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
sugar is
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consumed
in the form of snacks.

Consequently
, it is
also
lucid that excessive
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intake
of several
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nutrients
may be unhealthy
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so
all
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nutrients
are taken
in
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definite
proportion like
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only
16% of saturated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
is
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consumed
during breakfast.
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IELTS academic Intake of 3 nutrients by average person the USA

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
158 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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