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causes of deaths by their age and percentage of deaths

causes of deaths by their age and percentage of deaths PWVEw
Intoduction: The given table comparatively represents the cause of injury by the age and percentage of injury during last one year in Australia. According to the statistical data, The motor vehicles are only the reason behind 40% of deaths in the age group of 0-14 and the falls, drowings, suffocation takes around 35% of deaths in the same aged groups and there are only 1-5% of deaths which are effected by the poisonings, homicide and voilence. In the same way the half of the deaths are resulted due to motor vehicles in the age group of 15-39 and another half of the deaths are leads to poisonings, falls, drowing, sucides and violence. Coming to the age group 40-64, the 31% of deaths are effected by sucides and motor vehicles are responsible for 29% of deaths and aproximately 10% of deaths are happend by falls and drowings respectively. However, the 42% of deaths are occured due to falls in the retairment age and motor vehicles, poisonings, drownings and homicides takes almost 45% of deaths over view: By comparing all the age groups the large amount deaths occured in retairment age only, and highly caused by motor vehicles. And it is good to notice that there are no number of sucides in the age group of 0-14.
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Intoduction
: The
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given
table
comparatively
represents the cause of injury by the
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age
and percentage of injury during last one year in Australia.

According to the statistical data, The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motor
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vehicles
are
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only
the reason behind 40% of deaths in the
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age
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group
of 0-14 and the
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falls
,
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drowings
, suffocation takes around 35% of deaths in the same aged
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groups
and there are
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only
1-5% of deaths which
are effected
by the poisonings, homicide and
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voilence
.

In the same way
the half of the deaths
are resulted
due to
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motor
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vehicles
in the
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age
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group
of 15-39 and another half of the deaths are leads to poisonings,
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falls
,
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drowing
,
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sucides
and violence.

Coming to the
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age
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group
40-64, the 31% of deaths
are effected
by
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sucides
and
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motor
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vehicles
are responsible for 29% of deaths and
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aproximately
10% of deaths are
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happend
by
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falls
and
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drowings
respectively
.

However
, the 42% of deaths are
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occured
due to
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falls
in the
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retairment
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age
and
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motor
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vehicles
, poisonings, drownings and homicides takes almost 45% of deaths

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over
view: By comparing all the
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age
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groups
the large amount deaths
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occured
in
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retairment
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age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, and
highly
caused by
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motor
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vehicles
. And it is
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good
to notice that there are no number of
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sucides
in the
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 0-14.
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IELTS academic causes of deaths by their age and percentage of deaths

Academic
  American English
6 paragraphs
215 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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