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information about the proportion of Australian males and females of various age groups frequently involved in doing exercise in the year 2010

information about the proportion of Australian males and females of various age groups frequently involved in doing exercise in the year 2010 GLrn2
The information about the proportion of Australian males and females of various age groups frequently involved in doing exercise in the year 2010 is depicted by the rendered vertical graph. The data has been calibrated in percentage. Overall, it is apparent from the graph that a more number of women were doing regular physical activities as compared to men in all the age groups except the youngest age group where men outnumbered women. With regards to the women's involvement in doing work out every day, the figures were highest in the 45 to 54 age group, and it was 53. 3 %, followed by 55 to 64 and 35 to 44, and it comprised to 53 and 52. 5 respectively. For the 25 to 34, and 65 over individuals again, the women had higher numbers, and it accounted for 42. 2 and 47. 1 respectively. On the other hand, in the case of younger people in the age of 15 to 24, more men were seen doing exercise, and they were 52. 8%, whereas only 47. 7 % of women were often interested in work out.
The information about the proportion of Australian males and females of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
frequently
involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
exercise in the year 2010
is depicted
by the rendered vertical graph. The data has
been calibrated
in percentage.

Overall
, it is apparent from the graph that a more number of women were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
regular physical activities as compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
except the youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
outnumbered women.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the women's involvement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
work out every day, the figures were highest in the 45 to 54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, and it was 53. 3 %, followed by 55 to 64 and 35 to 44, and it comprised to 53 and 52. 5
respectively
. For the 25 to 34, and 65 over individuals again, the women had higher numbers, and it accounted for 42. 2 and 47. 1
respectively
.

On the other hand
, in the case of younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 15 to 24, more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
exercise, and they were 52. 8%, whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
47. 7 % of women were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
interested in work out.
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IELTS academic information about the proportion of Australian males and females of various age groups frequently involved in doing exercise in the year 2010

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
186 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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