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hours of unpaid work per week for men and women

hours of unpaid work per week for men and women q5yx5
The diagram indicates hours of unpaid work per week in three different categories done by married man and woman. In general, we can see that married women have an overwhelming majority of unpaid hours than men. As we can see from the diagram, married women without children have 30 hours of unpaid work per week. Married women with 1-2 children have 52 hours of unpaid work, while women with 3+ children have a bit more hours of unpaid work(55) and this is the best figure in this diagram. Turning to the married men, we can see that in all three categories hours of unpaid work were approximately the same. Men without children have a bit more hours of unpaid work than married men with 1-2 and 3+ children. In conclusion, we can see that females have more hours of unpaid work than males. In addition, in all 3 categories men have approximately same hours of unpaid work.
The diagram indicates
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hours
of unpaid
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work
per week in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
categories done by married
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and woman.
In general
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that married
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women
have an overwhelming majority of unpaid
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hours
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

As we can
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see
from the diagram, married
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women
without
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children
have 30
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hours
of unpaid
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work
per week. Married
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women
with 1-2
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children
have 52
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hours
of unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, while
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women
with 3+
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children
have a bit more
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hours
of unpaid
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work(55)
and this is the best figure in this diagram.

Turning to the married
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men
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that in all three categories
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hours
of unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
were approximately the same.
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Men
without
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children
have a bit more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
than married
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
with 1-2 and 3+ children.

In conclusion
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that females have more
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hours
of unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
than males.
In addition
, in all 3 categories
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have approximately same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
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IELTS academic hours of unpaid work per week for men and women

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
157 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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