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he bar chart illustrates data of the proportion of female and male citizens of Australia who did trains regularly in 2010.

he bar chart illustrates data of the proportion of female and male citizens of Australia who did trains regularly in 2010. GJrV2
The bar chart illustrates data of the proportion of female and male citizens of Australia who did trains regularly in 2010. First of all, we can see that only near 50 per cent of men and women did exercise daily. Additionally, young women under 24 who did trains were a bigger group than men under four. Hower amount of men over 24 who did regular physical activity regular larger than women over 24. Percentage of men who sport active became more from their 19 up to 54. Nonetheless, there was a decreasing pattern after 54 years. women had directly the opposite situation. Firstly they had a fall in the number of active women up to 44 years old. However, there was a stable growth after 44 years women.
The bar chart illustrates data of the proportion of female and male citizens of Australia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
did trains
regularly
in 2010.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
near 50 per cent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
did exercise daily.
Additionally
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
under 24
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
did trains were a bigger group than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
under four.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hower
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
over 24
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
did regular physical activity regular larger than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
over 24.

Percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
sport active became more from their 19 up to 54. Nonetheless, there was a decreasing pattern after 54 years.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
women
had
directly
the opposite situation.
Firstly
they had a fall in the number of active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
up to 44 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
However
, there was a stable growth after 44 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
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IELTS academic he bar chart illustrates data of the proportion of female and male citizens of Australia who did trains regularly in 2010.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
128 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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