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graphs show the share of graduates based on ther jobs and salaries

graphs show the share of graduates based on ther jobs and salaries e5gwK
The main focus of the provided graph is to demonstrate the shares of students graduating anthropology faculty, based on graduates' chosen way. Meanwhile, the earnings of students working on various spheres and having 5 years experience, is showed in the second graph. Overall, the most of graduates chose to build a career and who started to work on government-related domain earned the most amount of money after working for many years. To be in detail, almost half amount of graduates became employees on full-time workplaces, while 15% of them took up a part-time job. Interestingly, a few of students(8%) preferred to continue their study as postgraduates. Moreover, there some students(5%) who commenced to work not finishing their degree at the same time. Unfortunately, 12% could not find a job. And there is not any data about what did 8% of students after their graduation. As for salaries, 80% of graduates, who have worked as consultants for 5 years, earns above 75000$, and a half share(40%) get 100000$. Notably, half of anthropologists working on the government earned at the highest point. At the same time, 35% of employees in the private sector earned from 55000$ up to 75000$.
The main focus of the provided graph is to demonstrate the shares of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
graduating anthropology faculty, based on graduates' chosen way. Meanwhile, the earnings of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
working on various spheres and having 5 years experience, is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
in the second graph.
Overall
, the
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the graduates") or simply say "most graduates".
most of graduates
chose to build a career and who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to work on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
-related domain earned the most amount of money after working for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years. To be in detail, almost half amount of graduates became employees on full-time workplaces, while 15% of them took up a part-time job.
Interestingly
, a few of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students(8%)
preferred to continue their study as postgraduates.
Moreover
, there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students(5%)
who commenced to work not finishing their degree at the same time. Unfortunately, 12% could not find a job. And there is not any data about what did 8% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after their graduation. As for salaries, 80% of graduates, who have worked as consultants for 5 years, earns above
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$75000".
75000$
, and a half share(40%)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$100000".
100000$
.
Notably
, half of anthropologists working on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
earned at the highest point. At the same time, 35% of employees in the private sector earned from
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$55000".
55000$
up to
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$75000".
75000$
.
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IELTS academic graphs show the share of graduates based on ther jobs and salaries

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
197 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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