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graph shows how many women and men attend in higher education

graph shows how many women and men attend in higher education bDXD3
The graph shows how many women and men attend in higher education including part-time and full time in 1970, 1980 and 1990 years in Britain. As can be seen the number of part time students is by far more than full time in both gender. In terms of full time studies, in 1970 the number of male doubled in contrast with female in further learning. In two next decades, there was a sharp rise of female learner from 50 thousand to 200 thousand while male experienced an upward trend slightly just above 200 thousand. The Part-time educational of female had an approximate 200 thousand increase from 1970 to 1980 but there was a drop in the number of male who took part in distant learning. The over the period from 1980 to 1990, this rate jumped dramatically from almost 850 to just over 1100 thousand learners in female whereas male remained stable at level around 850 thousand.
The graph
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shows
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
women and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
attend in higher education including part-time and full
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time
in 1970, 1980 and 1990 years in Britain.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
can be
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seen
the number of part
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time
students is by far more than full
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time
in both gender.

In terms of full
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time
studies, in 1970 the number of male doubled
in contrast
with
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female
in
further
learning. In two
next
decades, there was a sharp rise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
learner from 50 thousand to 200 thousand while male experienced an upward trend
slightly
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just
above 200 thousand.

The Part-time educational of
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female
had an approximate 200 thousand increase from 1970 to 1980
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but
there was a drop in the number of male who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in distant learning. The over the period from 1980 to 1990, this rate jumped
dramatically
from almost 850 to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 1100 thousand learners in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
whereas male remained stable at level around 850 thousand.
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IELTS academic graph shows how many women and men attend in higher education

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
157 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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