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emplyment sectores of the republic of freedonia in men and women workers in 1975 and 1995

emplyment sectores of the republic of freedonia in men and women workers in 1975 and 1995 GNkkm
The given graphs illustrate the numerous employment sectors of the republic of freedonia in amount of both gender workers in 1975 and 1995. A cursory glance is enough to make it clear that there are six different sectors namely manufacturing, communication, finance, wholesale and retail trade and both defence and non-defence sector. It is evident from the graph, in 1995, the highest amount of workers were in non-defence public sector. It accounted for just under the 900 per 1000 employees. In contrast, in the public sector (defence) were least at almost zero. In addition, for the ladies, the figure remained almost same for wholesale and retail trade and public sector(non-defence). It was around the 600 per 1000 workers. In 1975, it is lucid from the graph, in manufacturing both sex employment rate was stable. They shared 300. Communication, finance and wholesale and retail trade increased slightly over the 20 years. Where as, for women, there were minimally gained in public sector (defence) and reached at 100. Overall, in 1975, man were always highest number of employees in every sectors.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
graphs illustrate the numerous employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
of the republic of
Possible spelling mistake found.
freedonia
in amount of both gender workers in 1975 and 1995. A cursory glance is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that there are six
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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sectors
namely
manufacturing, communication, finance, wholesale and retail trade and both
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
and
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non-defence
sector.

It is evident from the graph, in 1995, the highest amount of workers
Possible agreement error
were
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
. It accounted for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under the 900 per 1000 employees.
In contrast
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
(
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
) were least at almost zero.
In addition
, for the ladies, the figure remained almost same for wholesale and retail trade and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
sector(
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
). It was around the 600 per 1000 workers.

In 1975, it is lucid from the graph, in manufacturing both sex employment rate was stable. They shared 300. Communication, finance and wholesale and retail trade increased
slightly
over the 20 years.
Did you mean "Whereas"?
Where as
, for women, there were
minimally
gained in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
(
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
) and reached at 100.

Overall
, in 1975,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
were always
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
number of employees in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "sector"?
sectors
.
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IELTS academic emplyment sectores of the republic of freedonia in men and women workers in 1975 and 1995

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
179 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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