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Employment percentage for various positions

Employment percentage for various positions Mo7y9
The statistical data about the percentage of individuals engaged in different sort of position in 1998 and 2001 is demonstrated by assigned combination of circular and vartical bar graph. Superficially, it is quite obvious that full time job accounted for 37%in 1998 and decreased by about 10% in 2001, however maintained highest figure for both years. In contrast to this, the percentage of unemployed people was lowest figure (2%)in 1998, and jumped to (7%) in 2001. Stonishingly, proportion of casual workers was constant for given two years. Further probing the given data, it becomes clear that 1/5th part was covered by self employed personnel in 1998 whereas this figure decreased by 2% in 2001. Percentage of contract workers was 12%in 1998, which was raised by 4% and reached to 16% in 2001. Lastly, the percentage of part time job employees was 27% and shortened to 20% in 2001. Overall, multifarious trends are witnessed in given data, but sequence of percentage remained same for both years, except shuffling in the position of casual and unemployed people.
The statistical data about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of individuals engaged in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sort of position in 1998 and 2001
is demonstrated
by assigned combination of circular and
Possible spelling mistake found.
vartical
bar graph.

Superficially
, it is quite obvious that full time job accounted for 37%in 1998 and decreased by about 10% in 2001,
however
maintained highest figure for both years.
In contrast
to this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
was
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
figure (2%)in 1998, and jumped to (7%) in 2001.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Stonishingly
, proportion of casual workers was constant for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
two years.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
probing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
data, it becomes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that 1/5th part
was covered
by
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self employed
personnel in 1998 whereas this figure decreased by 2% in 2001.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Percentage
of contract workers was 12%in 1998, which
was raised
by 4% and reached to 16% in 2001.
Lastly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
job employees was 27% and shortened to 20% in 2001.

Overall
, multifarious trends
are witnessed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
data,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
sequence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
remained same for both years, except shuffling in the position of casual and unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
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IELTS academic Employment percentage for various positions

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
175 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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