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e chart given illustrates about attendance at entertainment venues for year 2009, further provided information on ticket prices for different events. Overall,

e chart given illustrates about attendance at entertainment venues for year 2009, further provided information on ticket prices for different events. Overall, NVWJ0
The chart given illustrates about attendance at entertainment venues for year 2009, further provided information on ticket prices for different events. Overall, it is noticeable, cinemas had the highest number of attendees when compared with sports and them parks. Firstly, cinema with less prices ($15 for 1 and $55 for 4) compared with other admission prices, recieved approximately 10, 50, 000 of adimissions which is 4 times greater when compared with sports. Even though theme parks had one of the highest prices, it stayed second in the list; approximately double attendies when compared with sports. Sports stayed low of all given entertainments in attendees criteria. However, sports have lot of events with highest prices and also few events with less prices. Sports can create a lot of revenue when compared with other entertainments. It is noticeable, all 3 football events have the highest value of price when compared with theme parks and cinema. To sum up, Even though cinema had highest number of attendies sports and theme parks stayed top if amount of revenue is considered.
The chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustrates about attendance at entertainment venues for year 2009,
further
provided information on ticket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
Overall
, it is noticeable, cinemas had the highest number of attendees when compared with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and them parks.

Firstly
, cinema with
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun prices is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
($15 for 1 and $55 for 4) compared with other admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
recieved
approximately 10, 50, 000 of
Possible spelling mistake found.
adimissions
which is 4 times greater when compared with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Even though
theme parks had one of the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
, it stayed second in the list; approximately double
Possible spelling mistake found.
attendies
when compared with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
stayed low of all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
entertainments in attendees criteria.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
and
also
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
with
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun prices is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
revenue when compared with other entertainments. It is noticeable, all 3 football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
have the highest value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
when compared with theme parks and cinema.

To sum up,
Even though
cinema had
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
number of
Possible spelling mistake found.
attendies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and theme parks stayed top if amount of revenue
is considered
.
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IELTS academic e chart given illustrates about attendance at entertainment venues for year 2009, further provided information on ticket prices for different events. Overall,

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • e chart given illustrates about attendance at entertainment venues for year 2009, further provided information on ticket prices for different events. Overall,