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Diary of my first date with a girl

Diary of my first date with a girl gGMbD
When I was 20 and at a birthday party with my close friends, As soon as all guests sat at the round table to eat dinner, I started telling a joke at the dinner table. There was a girl until that time I’d never seen her. While I was telling the joke I noticed everyone was laughing and the girl was laughing more than others. At that moment I was not sure whether she laughed at the joke or at me. But I was happy when I saw that. Until that time, I had never liked a girl's smile. when I realized this I fell in love with her. when we finished dinner I went through her and said to her “ Hello Mrs. I like to talk to you if you want there is a quiet place”, When she accepted I got very happy. We spoke about many things then we danced all night and ate cake and celebrated my friend’s birthday. The next day I woke up late and I checked my cellphone there was no call from her. Why did not she called me? I thought maybe she was sleeping and was going to wake up late like me, I did all of my task until night and she had not call me yet. I was shocked why she did this to me. Afterwards, I called my friend and asked him to help me to find that girl. when he asked me ” which girl you are talk ing about? ”, the moment I remembered I have never asked her to tell me her name. As a result, she did not even have my number. Until that time I had never done this mistake. that moment I was so confused. The next day my phone rang and when I answered I was so excited. because she had found my number and called me. When I told her about my mistake she laughed and said that” I was waiting for you to ask my age and my name but you didn't asked and I thought you were not seriou”, so afterwards we started to talk to each other but the only problem was that she was older than me and after a year she went to study abroad at the USA university. Also She asked me to join her but I could not do that because of my military services a fair. When I thinking about that time I always feel regret why I could notjoin her.
When I was 20 and at a birthday party with my close friends, As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as all guests sat at the round table to eat dinner, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
telling a joke at the dinner table. There was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
until that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
I’d never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
her. While I was telling the joke I noticed everyone was laughing and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
was laughing more than others. At that moment I was not sure whether she laughed at the joke or at me.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I was happy when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
that. Until that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, I had never liked a girl's smile.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
when
I realized this I fell in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with her.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
when
we finished dinner I went through her and said to her
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
“
Hello Mrs. I like to talk to you if you want there is a quiet place”, When she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
happy. We spoke about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things then we danced all night and ate cake and celebrated my friend’s birthday. The
next
day I woke up late and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checked
my cellphone there was no call from her. Why did not she called me? I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
maybe she was sleeping and was going to wake up late like me, I did all of my task until
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
night and
she had not
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "called".
call
me
yet
. I
was shocked
why she did this to me. Afterwards, I called my friend and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
him to
In informal texts, 'to' is not necessary. Do you mean "help me find"?
help me to find
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
when
he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
me
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
”
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
you are talk
Possible spelling mistake found.
ing
about? ”, the moment I remembered I have never
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
her to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
me her name.
As a result
, she did not even have my number.
“Until” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Until
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
I had never done this mistake.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
that
moment I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
confused. The
next
day my phone rang and when I answered I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
excited.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
because
she had found my number and called me. When I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
her about my mistake she laughed and said that” I was waiting for you to ask my age and my name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you didn't
The verb 'didn't' requires base form of this verb: "ask"
asked
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
you were not
Possible spelling mistake found.
seriou
”,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
afterwards we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to talk to each other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
problem was that she was older than me and after a year she went to study abroad at the USA university.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
She
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
her
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I could not do that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of my military services a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
. When
Did you mean "I'm thinking", "I am thinking", or "I was thinking"?
I thinking
about that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
I always feel regret why I could
Possible spelling mistake found.
notjoin
her.
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IELTS academic Diary of my first date with a girl

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
419 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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