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describing the information shown

describing the information shown OwbGE
The graphs show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. As you can see in 1975 employment in Freedonia by sex in 6 sectors. Women number of employees are very lower than men. Public sector is highest number of this sectors. Manufacturing is almost equal to wholesale and retail trade. Communications is 10% of lower Finance/banking. Public sector is lowest number of this graph. However, in 1995, manufacturing sector isn't high. Communications, finance banking, public women increase than men. In addition, in 1975 there aren't many women of employees. Although, in 1995 men almost grow. And women increased fast.
The graphs
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show
the
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numbers
of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment
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sectors
of the Republic of
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Freedonia
.
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As
you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in 1975 employment in
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Freedonia
by sex in 6
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sectors
.
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Women
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number
of employees are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
lower than
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men
. Public
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sector
is
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
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number
of
Did you mean "these"?
this
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sectors
. Manufacturing is almost equal to wholesale and retail trade. Communications
You should probably use: "are" or "were".
is
10% of lower Finance/banking. Public
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sector
is
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
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number
of this graph.
However
, in 1995, manufacturing
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sector
isn't high. Communications, finance banking, public
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women
increase than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
In addition
, in 1975 there aren't
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many
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women
of employees.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, in 1995
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men
almost grow. And
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women
increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
.
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IELTS academic describing the information shown

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
112 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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