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decribe bar chart of percentage of malaysian men and women exercise in 2010

decribe bar chart of percentage of malaysian men and women exercise in 2010 2xEpA
The chart shows percentage of Malaysian men and women who exercise regularly 2010. According to the chart, the youngest age group 15-24 taking 52% male and 47% female involved themselves in regular physical exercise in 2010. However, the ages of 25-44, male were much less active more than female. The 35-44 age group taking 39, 5% male and 52% female. On the other hand, the age group 45-54 female physical activity taking 53% and 43% male. The age group 55-64, figure for male physical activity rose taking 55% and 53% female. The last age group 65 and over was almost identical at approximately 47%. Overall, male and female doing regularly physical exercise depend on their ages but the female regularly physical exercise over male for at all the age group
The chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
percentage of Malaysian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women who
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exercise
regularly
2010. According to the chart, the youngest
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age
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group
15-24 taking 52% male and 47%
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female
involved themselves in regular
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physical
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exercise
in 2010.
However
, the
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ages
of 25-44, male were much less active more than
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female
. The 35-44
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age
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group
taking 39, 5% male and 52%
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female
.
On the other hand
, the
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age
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group
45-54
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female
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physical
activity taking 53% and 43% male. The
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age
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group
55-64, figure for male
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physical
activity rose taking 55% and 53%
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female
. The last
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age
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group
65 and over was almost identical at approximately 47%.
Overall
, male and
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female
doing
regularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
depend on their
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ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
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female
regularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
over male for at all the
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
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IELTS academic decribe bar chart of percentage of malaysian men and women exercise in 2010

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
129 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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