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comparison of expenditures per family of Japan and Malaysia

comparison of expenditures per family of Japan and Malaysia 66mO0
The pie chart shown here gives us a comparison of expenditures per family of Japan and Malaysia in five different aspects vis-a-vis housing, transport, food, health care and other goods and services during the year 2010. Broadly speaking, the highest amount was spent on transport in Japan while for Malaysia, maximum expenditure was made in construction of houses. Surprisingly, healthcare stood at the bottom of the list for both the countries in terms of expenditure. The expenditure done by Japan was higher in three categories with transport carrying 29% weight as compared to that of Malaysia which was 26%. This was followed by other goods and services category which took 20% and 10% weightage for Japan and Malaysia respectively. Japan spent more on healthcare (about 6%) as opposed to Malaysia which spent a meagre 3%. Malaysia spend the most on housing (around 34%) as compared to Japan that spent only 21%. it can also be seen that people of Malaysia spent more on food (27%) than that of Japan (about 24%).
The pie chart shown here gives us a comparison of expenditures per family of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
and Malaysia in five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects
'vis-a-vis' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "vis-à-vis"
vis-a-vis
housing, transport, food, health care and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services during the year 2010.

Broadly
speaking, the highest amount was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on transport in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
while for Malaysia, maximum expenditure
was made
in construction of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.
Surprisingly
, healthcare stood at the bottom of the list for both the countries in terms of expenditure.

The expenditure done by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
was higher in three categories with transport carrying 29% weight as compared to that of Malaysia which was 26%. This
was followed
by other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services category which took 20% and 10% weightage for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
and Malaysia
respectively
.
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Japan
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spent
more on healthcare (about 6%) as opposed to Malaysia which
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spent
a
Possible spelling mistake. 'meagre' is British English.
meagre
3%.

Malaysia
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "spends".
spend
the most on housing (around 34%) as compared to
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Japan
that
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spent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
21%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of Malaysia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
more on food (27%) than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
(about 24%).
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IELTS academic comparison of expenditures per family of Japan and Malaysia

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
171 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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