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comparison of computer ownership from 2002-2010

comparison of computer ownership from 2002-2010 J3goj
Computer ownership has increased throughout the years from being 58% in 2002 to almost 80% in 2010. When we define computer ownership by educational level we see that there is a big difference between people with no high school diploma and people with postgraduate qualification as they have 42% and 95% ownership respectively. When we compare each of the educational level with time which are no high school diploma, high school diploma, collage, bachelor's degree and postgraduate qualification they have increased by an approximate of 35%, 30%, 30%, 20% and 15% respectively through out the years 2002-2010. In conclusion no matter the level of education the level of computer ownership is increasing throughout time.
Computer
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ownership
has increased throughout the years from being 58% in 2002 to almost 80% in 2010. When we define computer
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ownership
by educational
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level
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
difference between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with no high school diploma and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with postgraduate qualification as they have 42% and 95%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ownership
respectively
. When we compare each of the educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
with time which are no high school diploma, high school diploma, collage, bachelor's degree and postgraduate qualification they have increased by
The phrase 'an approximate of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'an' and 'of'.
an approximate of
35%, 30%, 30%, 20% and 15%
respectively
Did you mean "throughout"?
through out
the years 2002-2010.
In conclusion
no matter the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of education the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ownership
is increasing throughout time.
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IELTS academic comparison of computer ownership from 2002-2010

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
114 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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