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comparison between east and west regions production

comparison between east and west regions production 1nMWy
The chart illustrates the farms products in the eastern and western regions of a country. Overall, while grains production almost makes half of the western region, it is the smallest corps in the eastern region. The vegetables are not grown in the west as much as the east. While grains is making 45% of the western corps, it is the lowest in the east by a percentage of 15. On the other hand, vegetables makes 20 percent of Eastern part but only 5% of the Western one. Meat production are same in the two regions with a whapping 35 per cent which is a third of the production. In the east, diary is consumed more in The east than the west by making 30% and 15% of the production. Furthermore, grains and meat make about 4 fifths of the products in western region, while the meat and diary are 65 percent in the east.
The chart illustrates the farms products in the eastern and western
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regions
of a country.

Overall
, while grains
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production
almost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
half of the western
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region
, it is the smallest corps in the eastern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
region
. The vegetables are not grown in the west as much as the east.

While grains is making 45% of the western corps, it is the lowest in the east by a percentage of 15.
On the other hand
, vegetables
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
20 percent of Eastern part
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5% of the Western one.

Meat
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production
are same in the two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
with a
Possible spelling mistake found.
whapping
35 per cent which is a third of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
production
. In the east, diary
is consumed
more in The east than the west by making 30% and 15% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
production
.
Furthermore
, grains and meat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
about 4 fifths of the products in western
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region
, while the meat and diary are 65 percent in the east.
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IELTS academic comparison between east and west regions production

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
154 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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