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comparing the percantage of ownership in 2 periods

comparing the percantage of ownership in 2 periods RmPp
The graphs illustrate the percentage of the population that owned a computer from 2002 to 2010, and the education level between 2002 and 2010. Overall, it is clear from the first graph that percentage of computer ownership had increased with time and the highest reached was in 2010. Likewise, in the second graph the percentage of people owning a computer in 2010 is greater than in 2010 in all educational levels. Looking in more detail, the percentage of computer ownership increased gradually from 2002 with a constant rate of 5% each 2 years till it reached its highest in 2010 with a 70%. Starting with a illtrate people and high school graduate the computer ownership was almost doubled in 2010. Whereas, in students in College that percentage increased by a quarter from 70% in 2002 reaching 85% in 2010. Finally, the ownership for graduate and postgraduate had increased with almost equal proportion of 20% from 70% to 90% and from 75% to 95% respectively.
The graphs illustrate the percentage of the population

that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
a computer from 2002 to 2010, and the

education level between 2002 and 2010.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the
first
graph that

percentage of computer ownership had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
with

time and the highest reached was in 2010.
Likewise
,

in the second graph the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
owning

a computer in 2010 is greater than in 2010 in

all educational levels.

Looking in more detail, the percentage of computer

ownership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
gradually
from 2002 with a

constant rate of 5% each 2 years till it reached

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
its
highest in 2010 with a 70%.

Starting with
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
Possible spelling mistake found.
illtrate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and high school

graduate the computer ownership was almost doubled

in 2010.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, in students in College that

percentage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
by a quarter from 70% in 2002

reaching 85% in 2010.

Finally
, the ownership for graduate and postgraduate

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
with almost equal proportion of 20%

from 70% to 90% and from 75% to 95%
respectively
.
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IELTS academic comparing the percantage of ownership in 2 periods

Academic
  American English
8 paragraphs
164 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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