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Chart description of leisure time enjoyed by men and women in different employment

Chart description of leisure time enjoyed by men and women in different employment OVyBy
The below mentioned chart depicts that the time enjoyed by the employee in different employment status among all the different employments unemployed and retired people enjoy there leisure time as they are vacant as they don’t have any work to do. As compare to men and women, women use to enjoy their leisure time more then the men, as we can see in first employment status full time working men and women are enjoying approximately 45 hours in a week. Where as, in part time men do not have a single minute of vacant time but apparently women enjoy upto 40 hours even in their part time job in a typical week. Home wives also having their leisure time after completion of household activities, they take a power naps or they just watch tv serials for relaxation of their mind but they have only 40-45 hours in a whole week for spending time for themselves
The below mentioned chart depicts that the
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time
enjoyed by the employee in
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different
employment status among all the
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different
employments unemployed and retired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enjoy there leisure
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time
as they are vacant as they don’t have any work to do.

As compare to
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men
and
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women
,
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women
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
enjoy their leisure
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time
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
the
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men
, as we can
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see
in
first
employment status full
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time
working
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men
and
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women
are enjoying approximately 45 hours in a week.
Did you mean "Whereas"?
Where as
, in part
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time
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men
do not have a single minute of vacant
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time
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but
apparently
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women
enjoy
Possible spelling mistake found.
upto
40 hours even in their part
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time
job in a typical week.

Home wives
also
having their leisure
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time
after completion of household activities, they take a power
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
naps or
they
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just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
serials for relaxation of their mind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
40-45 hours in a whole week for spending
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time
for themselves

IELTS academic Chart description of leisure time enjoyed by men and women in different employment

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
154 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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