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changes in the ownership of electrical machines

changes in the ownership of electrical machines 3LkRb
The given charts illustrate the differences in ownership of electrical devices, moreover, the number of hours that have been spent while doing housework in household in a particular country from 1920 till 2019. Overall, the highest percentages of using those three appliances: washing machines, refrigerators and vacuum cleaners were in 2019, 2000 and 2019, respectively; however, the percentage of refrigerator in 1980 was at its highest too. Although the percentages were the lowest in 1920, the time spent while using them was the highest. And the lowest was in 2019. The percentages of using washing machine varied across the years, as it increased from 40% to 60 by the year 1960 and it reached 70% in the years of 1960 and 2000, however, it decreased to 65% in 1980 then it became 75% in 2019. Firstly, the usages of the refrigerator were 0% in 1920 then it started to raise till passing by 1940 it was 55% after that, it raised to 90% in 1960 and finally, it reached its maximum of 100% in the years of 1980, 2000 and 2019. The vacuum cleaner’s usages have been raised constantly through the years of 1920, 1940, 1960, 1980 by percentages of 30%, 50%, 70% and 90%, respectively. By the years 2000 & 2019 it turned to 100%. The numbers of hours per week of using those devices through the years were 50, 35, 20, 15, 15, 10.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
charts illustrate the differences in ownership of electrical devices,
moreover
, the number of hours that have
been spent
while doing housework in household in a particular country
Nonstandard phrase. Did you mean: "from 1920 to 2019"?
from 1920 till 2019
.

Overall
, the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of using those three appliances: washing machines, refrigerators and vacuum cleaners were in 2019, 2000 and 2019,
respectively
;
however
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of refrigerator in 1980 was at its highest too. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
were the lowest in 1920, the time spent while using them was the highest. And the lowest was in 2019.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of using washing machine varied across the years, as it increased from 40% to 60 by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1960 and it reached 70% in the years of 1960 and 2000,
however
, it decreased to 65% in 1980 then it became 75% in 2019.
Firstly
, the usages of the refrigerator were 0% in 1920 then it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to raise till passing by 1940 it was 55% after that, it raised to 90% in 1960 and
finally
, it reached its maximum of 100% in the years of 1980, 2000 and 2019.

The vacuum cleaner’s usages have
been raised
constantly
through the years of 1920, 1940, 1960, 1980 by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of 30%, 50%, 70% and 90%,
respectively
. By the years 2000 & 2019 it turned to 100%. The numbers of hours per week of using those devices through the years were 50, 35, 20, 15, 15, 10.
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IELTS academic changes in the ownership of electrical machines

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
236 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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