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Bar percentage of boys and girls aged 5-14 in cultural activities participation of organized cultural activities and sport 2013 in Australia​

Bar percentage of boys and girls aged 5-14 in cultural activities participation of organized cultural activities and sport 2013 in Australia​ jVOPp
The chart delineates the proportion of Australian children from both genders aged from 5 to 14 years old participating in cultural activities and sport in 2013. Taking everything into consideration, the girls were interested in artistic activities compared to the boys. On the contrary, the share of male children engaging in playing musical instruments and sport which were popular among the opposite gender. It is apparent from the bar chart that the percentages of female youngsters partook predominantly cultural activities, especially dancing, about 25 percent which was nearly 22 percent higher than that of schoolboys. Furthermore, the rate of boys and girls joining in drama and singing having insignificant changes, both percentages were around 5 percent and the number of schoolgirls in these subjects were higher roughly 1 percent than that of male adolescents. As for boys, the number of male kids engaged in physical exercises reached approximately 70 percent which was higher than the other subjects combined. It is worth noting that the percentages of boys participating in playing a musical instrument which was also a trendy activity like sport, about 15 percent, which was about one point five times as high as the number of girls was.
The chart delineates the proportion of Australian children from both genders aged from 5 to 14 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
participating in cultural
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activities
and sport in 2013.

Taking everything into consideration, the girls
were interested
in artistic
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activities
compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
.
On the contrary
, the share of male children engaging in playing musical instruments and sport which were popular among the opposite gender.

It is apparent from the bar chart that the percentages of female youngsters partook
predominantly
cultural
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activities
,
especially
dancing, about 25
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percent
which was
nearly
22
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
higher than that of schoolboys.
Furthermore
, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and girls joining in drama and singing having insignificant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
, both percentages were around 5
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percent
and the number of schoolgirls in these subjects were higher roughly 1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
than that of male adolescents.

As for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
, the number of male kids engaged in physical exercises reached approximately 70
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
which was higher than the other subjects combined. It is worth noting that the percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
participating in playing a musical instrument which was
also
a trendy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
like sport, about 15
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
, which was about one point five times as high as the number of girls was.
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IELTS academic Bar percentage of boys and girls aged 5-14 in cultural activities participation of organized cultural activities and sport 2013 in Australia​

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
199 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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