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Bar graphs shows time percentages of different activities.

Bar graphs shows time percentages of different activities. o6WNX
The given two bar graphs illustrate the proportion of time, which was used by adults of any particular nation to perform spare time activities in the two different years, 1980 and 2010. Overall, it is evident that people tended to more socialise, while eating was less popular than any other work in 1980, whereas, individuals started to spend a significant ratio of time for hobbies or sports, while eating activity remained same as before, less famous. In terms of the year 1980, shopping and reading were the tasks for which adults had spent moderate Percentages of time, accounted 10% and above the 10%. Moreover, cooking and eating had given minimum attention with the time proportion of well under 10%. Surprisingly, adults had given 15% time for their hobbies and sports, while social activity was done for a considerable period, that was more than 20% which was higher than each tasks. In relationship with the another year 2010, popularity of sports and hobbies increased significantly and people contributed their fifth percent of hours for it. Furthermore, tasks such as shopping, reading and socialising experienced a medium contribution of time, that were 15%, well under 15% and more than 15% respectively. For surprise, cooking and eating habits remained same popular and had got well under 5% hours as a leisure activities.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
two bar graphs illustrate the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by adults of any particular nation to perform spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in the two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years, 1980 and 2010.

Overall
, it is evident that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tended to more
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
was less popular than any other work in 1980, whereas, individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to spend a significant ratio of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for hobbies or sports, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
remained same as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
.

In terms of the year 1980, shopping and reading were the tasks for which adults had spent moderate Percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, accounted 10% and above the 10%.
Moreover
, cooking and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
minimum attention with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
proportion of well under 10%.
Surprisingly
, adults had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
15%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their hobbies and sports, while social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
was done
for a considerable period, that was more than 20% which was higher than each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "task"?
tasks
.

In relationship with the another year 2010, popularity of sports and hobbies increased
significantly
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
contributed their fifth percent of hours for it.
Furthermore
, tasks such as shopping, reading and
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
experienced a medium contribution of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, that were 15%, well under 15% and more than 15%
respectively
. For surprise, cooking and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
habits remained same popular and had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
well under 5% hours as a leisure
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "activity"?
activities
.
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IELTS academic Bar graphs shows time percentages of different activities.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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