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bar chart below shows the emloyment of all males and females workers

bar chart below shows the emloyment of all males and females workers DoRnj
The chart demonstrates the percentage of British male and female labor-force in various occupation in the year of 2005. Overall, what stands out from the graph is that males and females show considerable diversity in terms of their jobs. We can easily see that a massive 22% of females worked in an administrative and secretarial profession. Similarly, 15% female employed as associate profession and technician which was higher than male’s proportion 2%. On the other hand, the proportion of skilled sales males accounted for 20%, which was higher than male managers and senior official occupations 2%. Besides 12% was the number of males working in Process, Plant and Machine Operation as well as in Elementary occupation which was higher than a number of female workers in the same cohort. An equal figure of females working as the professional and manager and senior official was 11% each which was lower than male’s figures 4% and 7% respectively. A mere 2% of females as Skilled trades and Process, Plants and machine operators, the same as the figure of males in personal service employment.
The chart demonstrates the percentage of British male and
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female
labor-force in various occupation in the year of 2005.

Overall
, what stands out from the graph is that
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males
and
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females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
considerable diversity in terms of their jobs.

We can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that a massive 22% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
worked in an administrative and secretarial profession.
Similarly
, 15%
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female
employed as associate profession and technician which was higher than male’s proportion 2%.

On the other hand
, the proportion of skilled sales
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
accounted for 20%, which was higher than male managers and senior official occupations 2%.
Besides
12% was the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
working in Process, Plant and Machine Operation
as well
as in Elementary occupation which was higher than a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers in the same cohort. An equal figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
working as the professional and manager and senior official was 11% each which was lower than male’s figures 4% and 7%
respectively
. A mere 2% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
as Skilled trades and Process, Plants and machine operators, the same as the figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in personal service employment.

IELTS academic bar chart below shows the emloyment of all males and females workers

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
181 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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