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Annually numbers of film sales in a store

Annually numbers of film sales in a store RNLJP
This chart demonstrates a yearly number of various types of film sales in a specific store in ten years. Generally, this shop sells movies through rentals, VHS, DVD, and Blu-ray formats. The sale trend in this store is not specific or keen and shows lots of fluctuations. The highest number belongs to DVDs(about 200, 000) and, the lowest is around 3000 for the Blu-ray. VHS sales were present in 2002 until 2005 with a significant decrease in numbers. Amazingly, In 2006 this shop sells just DVDs and rentals. Blue-rays have been introduced since 2007 with a limited but, growing acceptance. Renting was the most popular way to see a movie in 2002 but, its popularity decreased over time, and in 2011 holds second place. However, DVDs have been acclaimed recently, their usage seems to have some degree of fluctuations. To conclude these days people prefer buying films, especially on a DVD or A Blu-ray form, rather than rent them.
This chart demonstrates a yearly number of various types of film sales in a specific store in ten years.
Generally
, this shop sells movies through rentals, VHS, DVD, and Blu-ray formats. The sale trend in this store is not specific or keen and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
lots of fluctuations. The highest number belongs to DVDs(about 200, 000) and, the lowest is around 3000 for the Blu-ray.

VHS sales were present in 2002 until 2005 with a significant decrease in numbers.
Amazingly
, In 2006 this shop sells
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
DVDs and rentals.
Did you mean "Blu-rays"?
Blue-rays
have
been introduced
since 2007 with a limited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, growing acceptance.

Renting was the most popular way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a movie in 2002
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, its popularity decreased over time, and in 2011 holds second place.
However
, DVDs have
been acclaimed
recently, their usage seems to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree of fluctuations.

To conclude
these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer buying films,
especially
on a DVD or A Blu-ray form,
rather
than rent them.
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IELTS academic Annually numbers of film sales in a store

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
159 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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