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Annual music sales in Britain

Annual music sales in Britain 0wrVB
The pie chart given provides information on the yearly music sales in Britain for different genres of music like that of rock, classical, jazz and others. It demonstrates the percentage of annual sales in each genre in this country.   The highest percentage of sales is for rock music at 56%, covering more than half the sales for music in Britain. Additionally, more than 1/5th of the total sales yearly are for classical music making it the second most popular genre to generate sales in the country for music. Furthermore, a significant amount of sales are also developed through jazz music with a selling rate 7% below that of classical music. The remaining portion of sales are brought from other genres that only make up 9% of the total amount of sale. Overall, there are three major types of music that help build the annual sales in Britain with regards to music which are rock, classical and jazz and these make up the majority of the sales. The remaining genres make up a minimal portion of the total music sales made throughout the year
The pie chart
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given
provides information on the yearly
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music
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sales
in Britain for
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different
genres of
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music
like that of rock,
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classical
, jazz
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and others
. It demonstrates the percentage of annual
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sales
in each
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genre
in this country.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
The highest percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
is for rock
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music
at 56%, covering more than half the
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sales
for
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music
in Britain.
Additionally
, more than 1/5th of the total
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sales
yearly are for
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classical
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music
making it the second most popular
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genre
to generate
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sales
in the country for
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music
.
Furthermore
, a significant amount of
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sales
are
also
developed through jazz
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music
with a selling rate 7% below that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classical
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music
. The remaining portion of
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sales
are brought
from other genres that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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make
up 9% of the total amount of sale.

Overall
, there are three major types of
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music
that
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help
build the annual
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sales
in Britain
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
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music
which are rock,
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classical
and jazz and these
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make
up the majority of the
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sales
. The remaining genres
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make
up a minimal portion of the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
made throughout the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
year
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IELTS academic Annual music sales in Britain

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
183 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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