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an insight into employment rates according to age and gender in Australia in 2011

an insight into employment rates according to age and gender in Australia in 2011 PWVxd
The statistical information provided gives an insight into employment rates according to age and gender in Australia in 2011. The most striking piece of data from these two charts is the huge disparity in those employed in part-time roles in terms of gender. With the exception of the 65+ age group, in all other age categories the percentage of females working in part-time positions far outnumbered males. The most marked difference can be seen in the 35-44 age group, in which roughly five times as many women were working part-time as men. Interestingly, it is only in the oldest age group that the percentage of males in a part-time job exceeded females. With regards to the total employment rates, for both full and part-time jobs, around three quarters or above were employed between the ages of 20 and 59. The figure for the youngest age group (15-19) shows that around six out of ten were employed, whereas in the two oldest age groups, over the age of 60, unemployment was relatively high, over 80% in the 60-64 age range and almost nine out of ten people were unemployed in the 65+ age group.
The statistical information provided gives an insight into employment rates according to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and gender in Australia in 2011.

The most striking piece of data from these two charts is the huge disparity in those employed in part-time roles in terms of gender.
Consider using "except" or "except for"
With the exception of
the 65+
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age
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group
, in all other
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age
categories the percentage of females working in part-time positions far outnumbered males. The most marked difference can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the 35-44
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age
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group
, in which roughly five times as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
women were working part-time as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Interestingly
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in the oldest
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
that the percentage of males in a part-time job exceeded females.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the total employment rates, for both full and part-time jobs, around three quarters or above
were employed
between the
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ages
of 20 and 59. The figure for the youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
(15-19)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that around six out of ten
were employed
, whereas in the two oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
, over the
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age
of 60, unemployment was
relatively
high, over 80% in the 60-64
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age
range and almost nine out of ten
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were unemployed
in the 65+
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
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IELTS academic an insight into employment rates according to age and gender in Australia in 2011

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
193 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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