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academic writing task 1. The numer of attendance and price of entartainment venues

academic writing task 1. The numer of attendance and price of entartainment venues ldaQQ
The charts examine the presence of entertainment facilities and entrance fees in 2009. Overall, the most visited entertainment venue was cinema in that period of time while the less visited place was sport facilities. In regard to the admission price, the cost of cinema lower than the cost of football games. The number of people who are attend sport halls in 2009 was not huge, approximately 150 individuals. However, an amount of theme park visitors bigger than sport visitors, it is around 350 people. Furthermore, at that time about 1050 people attended cinemas. According to the admission price chart, the most expensive tickets were football games – AFL, NRL, NRU. The cheapest ticket of them is NRU which price is 71 dollar per person, but family ticket worth 280 dollar for four people. Then, theme parks fare is almost the same as a ticket NRU (71 dollar), although, family fare cost 135 dollars. The audience of basketball game pay $36 cheaper than a theme park while cricket game spectators pay $24. People spend five times as less money on cinemas as on football games.
The charts examine the presence of entertainment facilities and entrance fees in 2009.

Overall
, the most visited entertainment venue was cinema in that period of time while the less visited place was sport facilities. In regard to the admission price, the cost of cinema lower than the cost of football games.

The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
Consider using a past participle here: "attended".
attend
sport halls in 2009 was not huge, approximately 150 individuals.
However
, an amount of theme park visitors bigger than sport visitors, it is around 350
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Furthermore
, at that time about 1050
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attended cinemas.

According to the admission price chart, the most expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
were football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
AFL, NRL, NRU. The cheapest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
of them is NRU which price is 71
Possible agreement error. The noun 'dollar' seems to be countable, so consider using: "dollars".
dollar
per person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
worth 280
Possible agreement error. The noun 'dollar' seems to be countable, so consider using: "dollars".
dollar
for four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Then, theme parks fare is almost the same as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
NRU (71
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dollar)
, although, family fare cost 135
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dollars
. The audience of basketball game pay $36 cheaper than a theme park while cricket game spectators pay $24.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
spend five times as less money on cinemas as on football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
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IELTS academic academic writing task 1. The numer of attendance and price of entartainment venues

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
184 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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