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your office building does not have a cafeteria. describe the problem suggest where the cafeteria could be built say hoe it benefit the employees

your office building does not have a cafeteria. describe the problem suggest where the cafeteria could be built say hoe it benefit the employees aJpAP
Dear Mr. Smith, I am writing in connection to make a request about a cafeteria that we don't have in our office building. I am Ladan Zamiri, one of your employees. I think we need a place for cafeteria in our building because, some of us work for 8 hours or more. If we could have a coffee or tea between working hours, help us to continue more powerful and energetic. We can be gathering for our colleague's birthday or celebrate our success. In many situations, we forced to stay there for overtime and required some snacks until we arrived home. I wonder if it is possible for you considered a place for cafeteria. I suggest the free room on the fourth floor. It is so huge and could be a good option to prepare for café. I think this place could have some advantages for all employees. First, we can get to know each other better, get acquainted with different attitudes in the field of work and in addition it doesn't need to going out to buy coffee or snacks. I look forward to hearing back from you soon. Yours sincerely,
Dear Mr. Smith,

I am writing in connection to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a request about a cafeteria that we don't have in our office building.

I am
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ladan
Possible spelling mistake found.
Zamiri
, one of your employees.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
we need a place for cafeteria in our building
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of us work for 8 hours or more. If we could have a coffee or tea between working hours,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to continue more powerful and energetic. We can be gathering for our colleague's birthday or celebrate our success. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
situations, we forced to stay there for overtime and required
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
snacks until we arrived home.

I wonder if it is possible for you considered a place for cafeteria. I suggest the free room on the fourth floor. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
huge and could be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
option to prepare for café.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this place could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages for all employees.
First
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know each other better,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
acquainted with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
attitudes in the field of work and
in addition
it doesn't need to going out to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
coffee or snacks.

I look forward to hearing back from you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

Yours
sincerely
,
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IELTS letter your office building does not have a cafeteria. describe the problem suggest where the cafeteria could be built say hoe it benefit the employees

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
192 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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