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Your family is going to move to another town. Write a letter to the Principal of a local school asking if they will accept your son. v.2

Your family is going to move to another town. Write a letter to the Principal of a local school asking if they will accept your son. v. 2
Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to inquire about the possibility of accepting my 14 years old son in grade 7 at your school as we are planning to move to Aden city next month. I would appreciate if you could assist in the enrolment procedure. I have searched many schools in Aden and found yours the most appropriate to take my son to. My son 'Abir' is a diligent student and his academic records are excellent so far. He scored 93% in his final exam in grade 7. His current teachers and friends admire him very much. Besides, he participates in different school activities spontaneously. He likes art and participated in many traditional occasions organized by local education authorities in Sana'a. Sport is his favourite hobby and he has always been an active member of the school's sports team. It would be so kind of you if you accept him in your school in early June 2020 and let him join the class at the beginning of the calendar year. I will be grateful if you support him to be accepted in your esteemed school. Yours faithfully, Abdalwhab Mansur
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to inquire about the possibility of accepting my 14 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
son in grade 7 at your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as we are planning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to Aden city
next
month. I would appreciate if you could assist in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolment' is British English.
enrolment
procedure.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
have searched
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in Aden and found yours the most appropriate to take my son to.

My son '
Possible spelling mistake found.
Abir
' is a diligent student and his academic records are excellent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far. He scored 93% in his final exam in grade 7. His
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
teachers and friends admire him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much.
Besides
, he participates in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activities
spontaneously
. He likes art and participated in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
traditional occasions organized by local education authorities in Sana'a. Sport is his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hobby and
he has always been an active member of the school's sports team.

It would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
kind of you if you accept him in your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in early June 2020 and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
him
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
at the beginning of the calendar year. I will be grateful if you support him to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in your esteemed school.

Yours
faithfully
,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Abdalwhab
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mansur
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS letter Your family is going to move to another town. Write a letter to the Principal of a local school asking if they will accept your son. v. 2

Letter
  American English
6 paragraphs
190 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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