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You are looking for a part-time job at a football club. v.5

You are looking for a part-time job at a football club. v. 5
Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing this letter to express my interest in a part-time job position as a team staff at your football club, which you advertised in a local newspaper a couple of days ago. I was born and raised in this town, and I graduated from the ACME university about a couple of years ago. Having graduated in Economics, I held one full-time job as an Assistant Manager at a local brokerage firm, and a part-time job at a restaurant. But unfortunately, none of these jobs really went well with my personality. Anyway, I really enjoy football. In the past, as a university student, I was put in charge to co-ordinate inter-university tournaments. Besides, I have also taken a course in Nutrition and Personal Training certification which would allow me to offer some important nutritional and health tips to the footballers of your club. By the way, I have a very outgoing personality, and I can start as soon as you ask me to. Therefore, based on my skills and credentials, I surely like to believe that I would able to render excellent service to your club as a part-time staff. Yours faithfully, Nuwan Joshua
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter to express my interest in a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
position as a team staff at your football club, which you advertised in a local newspaper a couple of days ago.

I
was born
and raised in this town, and I graduated from the ACME university about a couple of years ago. Having graduated in Economics, I held one full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as an Assistant Manager at a local brokerage firm, and a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at a restaurant.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
unfortunately, none of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
really
went well with my personality.

Anyway, I
really
enjoy football. In the past, as a university student, I
was put
in charge to co-ordinate inter-university tournaments.
Besides
, I have
also
taken a course in Nutrition and Personal Training certification which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
me to offer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
nutritional and health tips to the footballers of your club. By the way, I have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
outgoing personality, and I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as you ask me to.

Therefore
, based on my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and credentials, I
surely
like to believe that I
Did you mean "would be able"?
would able
to render excellent service to your club as a part-time staff.

Yours
faithfully
,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Nuwan
Joshua
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS letter You are looking for a part-time job at a football club. v. 5

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
198 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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