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You are looking for a part-time job at a football club. v.4

You are looking for a part-time job at a football club. v. 4
I am Benjamin Thomas, an assistant football coach at the Manchester City Football Club, looking forward to joining your club as a part-time trainer. In response to a local newspaper advertisement, I am offering myself for the post as a deserving and skilled instructor. I have thoroughly read your advert and understand that you need someone to train young and aspiring young who are already under the supervision of a renowned coach. I, hereby, enclose my professional profile for your kind consideration. From my profile, you will find that under my guidance, the Manchester City Football Club has reached the second-highest ranking in the county league. I had been a footballer all my life and led the Manchester Metropolitan University football team for about 4 years during which our team won the inter-university championship twice. I can start right away as my current schedule allows me to have two spare days a week. I look forward to discussing my candidacy for the announced post at your convenience and I am just a phone call away. Hope to meet you soon. Yours faithfully, Benjamin Thomas
I am Benjamin Thomas, an assistant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
football
coach at the Manchester City
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Football
Club, looking forward to joining your club as a part-time trainer. In response to a local newspaper advertisement, I am offering myself for the post as a deserving and skilled instructor.

I have
thoroughly
read your advert and understand that you need someone to train young and aspiring young who are already under the supervision of a renowned coach. I, hereby, enclose my professional profile for your kind consideration. From my profile, you will find that under my guidance, the Manchester City
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Football
Club has reached the second-highest ranking in the county league. I had been a footballer all my life and led the Manchester Metropolitan University
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
football
team for about 4 years during which our team won the inter-university championship twice.

I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
right away as my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
schedule
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
me to have two spare days a week.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
look forward to discussing my candidacy for the announced post at your
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
convenience and
I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a phone call away.

Hope to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

Yours
faithfully
,

Benjamin Thomas
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS letter You are looking for a part-time job at a football club. v. 4

Letter
  American English
6 paragraphs
183 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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