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You are inviting a friend for a birthday party

You are inviting a friend for a birthday party 3xeYY
Dear John I hope you are doing well. I am planning a surprise birthday party my friend Ahmed who is not feeling well and is missing his family back in Saudi Arabia. I am inviting you to this birthday party, so bring good spirit and and fun character to enlighten the atmosphere. Reason why I am setting up this event is because, Ahmed’s younger brother has died and he cannot leave the UK right now because there are no flights available to Saudi Arabia. So the birthday celebration will occur on 27th of May from 6pm. I don’t know when the party will finish, so I haven’t included the end-time of the party. You should phone in to work and ask for a sick leave just in case? Jokes. It would be great if you could bring a present for Ahmed. He is really into art, but I wouldn’t bother purchasing anything overly too expensive though. Some of the prices on those paintings are extremely ridiculous. I can’t wait to see you! Bring your friends over as well, but make sure it’s 2 or 3, otherwise I won’t be able to fit all of you in into my house. Best regards Mark
Dear John

I hope you are doing well. I am planning a surprise birthday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
my friend Ahmed who is not feeling well and is missing his family back in Saudi Arabia.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am inviting you to this birthday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
spirit
Possible typo: you repeated a word
and and
fun character to enlighten the atmosphere. Reason why I am setting up this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, Ahmed’s younger brother has
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
died and
he cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the UK right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are no flights available to Saudi Arabia.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the birthday celebration will occur on 27th of May from 6pm. I don’t know when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
will finish,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I haven’t included the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
-time of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
. You should phone in to work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
a sick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in case? Jokes.

It would be great if you could bring a present for Ahmed. He is
really
into art,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I wouldn’t bother purchasing anything
overly
too expensive though.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
prices on those paintings are
extremely
ridiculous.

I can’t wait to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
you! Bring your friends over
as well
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure it’s 2 or 3,
otherwise
I won’t be able to fit all of you in into my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.

Best regards

Mark
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IELTS letter You are inviting a friend for a birthday party

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
201 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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