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Young adults should contribute to their communities by doing unpaid work in their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Young adults should contribute to their communities by doing unpaid work in their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? KwaGM
Comparing the last century and this one, it is prominent that volunteering has become very popular. It has significantly decreased few major concerns such as selfishness, hypocrisy among societies. In my opinion, interacting with people and doing unpaid work while having a free time is incredible, furthermore, advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. This essay will examine this question, will include my opinion and will give some shreds of evidence. Two main factors are behind the rise in contributing to communities by doing unpaid work among humanity. The first is the mainstream of this wonderful activity. It is in trend right now – being helpful and responsive, in the case it has a positive impact on everything, especially on self-esteem. Also, it helped humanities to build the right mindset which can facilitate various kinds of initiatives like making the environment less harmful for human beings. In order to stop contaminating the nature and preventing the Global Warming, huge number of groups accumulate together and solve these issues. They recycle different kind of plastic and glass goods, in addition, cleaning streets from rubbish is important too. On the other hand, these groups increased the popularity of education in poor countries. There are thousands of individuals who help African to implement and construct tremendous edifices. They have already built universities, schools, colleges, and hydraulic structures. If volunteering had not been so well known, some countries would have already suffered because the lack of education and water would force them to struggle for surviving. In conclusion, unless unpaid work in humanities’ free time still exists, the world will become better. Even though some countries are in rivalries with each other, volunteers still active and responsive and always specialize on good. Because of all these factors I can definitely say, that advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Comparing the last century and this one, it is prominent that volunteering has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular. It has
significantly
decreased few major concerns such as selfishness, hypocrisy among societies. In my opinion, interacting with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and doing unpaid work while having a free time is incredible,
furthermore
, advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. This essay will examine this question, will include my opinion and will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
shreds of evidence.

Two main factors are behind the rise in contributing to communities by doing unpaid work among humanity. The
first
is the mainstream of this wonderful activity. It is in trend right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
being helpful and responsive, in the case it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on everything,
especially
on self-esteem.
Also
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
humanities to build the right mindset which can facilitate various kinds of initiatives like making the environment less harmful for human beings. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
contaminating the nature and preventing the Global Warming, huge number of groups accumulate together and solve these issues. They recycle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of plastic and glass
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
,
in addition
, cleaning streets from rubbish is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
too.

On the other hand
, these groups increased the popularity of education in poor countries. There are thousands of individuals who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
African to implement and construct tremendous edifices. They have already built universities, schools, colleges, and hydraulic structures. If volunteering had not been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
well known,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries would have already suffered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the lack of education and water would force them to struggle for surviving.

In conclusion
, unless unpaid work in humanities’ free time
still
exists, the world will become better.
Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are in rivalries with each other, volunteers
still
active and responsive and always specialize on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of all these factors I can definitely say, that advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
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IELTS essay Young adults should contribute to their communities by doing unpaid work in their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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