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Why are festivals the significant parts of a culture?

Why are festivals the significant parts of a culture? yLKrV
since time immemorial, communities have figured out ways to get together for either celebrating or mourning. As the people progress, their way of life also develops. Consequently, that effects the way they represent their culture. Festivals, as a tool for showcasing a culture, used to be held for religious means however, nowadays the religious side of it have faded away. These celebrations bring communities multiple positive aspects. In this essay I will be explaining the importance of festivals for a community from my perspective. To begin with, celebrating these festivities unites people of a society. Usually, the festivals are articulated to include all of the members of a culture despite of their gender, orientation, caste and other social constructs. Hence, the gathering of people with different backgrounds on a certain day doing the same rituals, brings hearts closer and tightens circles. Under these circumstances, social barriers diminish, erecting a community that values integrity. A good illustration of this is India, having more than a hundred languages, people of all religions and believes come together for celebrating the festivals that once had a religious meaning. Secondly, jubilees are a way of showcasing a certain culture. Not only they attract foreigners but also draw attention for foreign investments. Accordingly, putting money into some communities can be a game changer for them. As a result, it brings out their ultimate potentials. By making jobs and business opportunities for the native people it will enhance their culture to a good extent. Also, it will help with their international image and the foreign policies imposed on them. Namely, Germany has become a cash cow by flowing US money into its society after the second world war. To conclude, jubilees can bring benefits to a culture by making a sense of togetherness and enriching it by interesting investors, tourist and allies.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
since
time immemorial,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
have figured out ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together for either celebrating or mourning. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
progress, their way of life
also
develops.
Consequently
, that effects the way they represent their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Festivals
, as a tool for showcasing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
be held
for religious means
however
, nowadays the religious side of it have faded away. These celebrations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
multiple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects. In this essay I will be explaining the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
from my perspective.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, celebrating these festivities unites
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of a society.
Usually
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
are articulated
to include
Consider using "all the".
all of the
members of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
their gender, orientation, caste and other social constructs.
Hence
, the gathering of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds on a certain day doing the same rituals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
hearts closer and tightens circles.
Under these circumstances
, social barriers diminish, erecting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
that values integrity. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is India, having more than a hundred languages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all religions and believes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together for celebrating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
that once had a religious meaning.

Secondly
, jubilees are a way of showcasing a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they attract foreigners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
draw attention for foreign investments.
Accordingly
, putting money into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
can be a game changer for them.
As a result
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
out their ultimate potentials. By making jobs and business opportunities for the native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
it will enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
to a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
extent.
Also
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with their international image and the foreign policies imposed on them.
Namely
, Germany has become a cash cow by flowing US money into its society after the second world war.

To conclude
, jubilees can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
benefits to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
by making a sense of togetherness and enriching it by interesting investors, tourist and allies.
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IELTS essay Why are festivals the significant parts of a culture?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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