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Where do you find your happiness

Where do you find your happiness alK3Y
In our life, although sorrow and sadness are unavoidable, we still can find many sources of happiness from everything around us. First of all, my big source of happiness is my family, where everyone loves and supports each other. It's a shelter from the outside world, in which people are willing to lie and take advantage of others due to their benefit. Spending time with family brings me comfort and makes me strong enough to cope with hurdles. In addition, in family, there are unconditional love and mutual support, that accepts us no matter who we are and encourages us to pursue our dream. Secondly, being with close friends brings me joy as well. Although I don't have many friends, I think it's enough for me to have someone whom I can laugh with, admit my mistake and listen to my story. We show trust, forgiveness, and honesty towards others without expectations of return. Last but not least, the English lessons I really look forward to is also my happiness. You have a beautiful smile, positive energy and the most important is your enthusiasm, which inspires and encourages me a lot. I used to be afraid of making mistakes in telling my ideas but you helps us overcome by your encouragement or even threaten to lower our attendant score. That's so cute Thanks for listening
In our life, although sorrow and sadness are unavoidable, we
still
can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sources of happiness from everything around us.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
source of happiness is my family, where everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
and supports each other. It's a shelter from the outside world, in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are willing to lie and take advantage of others due to their benefit. Spending time with family brings me comfort and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to cope with hurdles.
In addition
, in family, there are unconditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and mutual support, that accepts us no matter who we are and encourages us to pursue our dream.
Secondly
, being with close friends brings me joy
as well
. Although I don't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
friends, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for me to have someone whom I can laugh with, admit my mistake and listen to my story. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
trust, forgiveness, and honesty towards others without expectations of return. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, the English lessons I
really
look forward to is
also
my happiness. You have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
smile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
energy and the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
is your enthusiasm, which inspires and encourages me a lot. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be afraid of making mistakes in telling my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you
The pronoun 'you' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "help"
helps
us overcome by your encouragement or even threaten to lower our attendant score. That's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
cute

Thanks for
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
listening
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IELTS essay Where do you find your happiness

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
224 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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