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What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?

What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? bDX3q
Nowadays, it is common to employ persons that are known for their bosses, which means that does not depends on your qualification anymore to be accepted in a job, but the network you are in. It is appearant that most graduates that get their jobs right after finishing a qualification have relatives connecting them to a business. In these situations we can see an inequality, in which the market prefers known people rather than their experiences and studies. However, not all employers choose their employers based on their connections. Some of them look carefully for whom they will give a job, seeking for earnest people that will surely do their best in whatever they do. In conclusion, we can see that there are looking only for their connections before the skills that an employee offers. Nevertheless, not all employer act this way, giving the chance to high standard graduates that are seeking for jobs.
Nowadays, it is common to employ persons that
are known
for their bosses, which means that does not
After the auxiliary verb 'do', use the base form of a verb. Did you mean "depend"?
depends
on your qualification anymore to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the network you are in.

It is
Possible spelling mistake found.
appearant
that most graduates that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
right after finishing a qualification have relatives connecting them to a business. In these situations we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
an inequality, in which the market prefers known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
rather
than their experiences and studies.

However
, not all employers choose their employers based on their connections.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them look
carefully
for whom they will give a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, seeking for earnest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that will
surely
do their best in whatever they do.
In conclusion
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that there are looking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for their connections
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that an employee offers.
Nevertheless
, not all employer act this way, giving the chance to high standard graduates that are seeking for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.

IELTS essay What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
154 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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