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we cannot help everyone in the world that needs helps, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.13

Some people say that it is more important to be concerned about our society and country rather than giving helping-hand to other countries. I completely disagree with this fact that it is more beneficial and it is more profitable at the same time to both countries and it will help to increase social skills between humans. To begin with, helping poor countries is beneficial and more profitable to both countries. In other words, developed countries like the USA should construct factory and company in poor countries such as Africa. As a result, it will bring profit to developed country budgets and also disadvantaged country can ensure their populations with work. If the USA does not supply African population with any resources, the number of unemployment and famine will increase to a certain extend. Therefore, developed countries have to help to poor nations. Secondly, giving a helping-hand can not only increase relationships between nations, but also develop social skills among people. That is to say that all should be helpful to each other. Humans make the world and humanity should make a better society. Today, many worldwide organizations have been formed to sponsor people of different countries or in need. For instance, World Vision, an Australian organization that sponsors children in different countries so that they can receive a better education and lead a healthy and prosperous life. To conclude, in my opinion, everyone in the world is capable of helping others by some way or the other. Therefore, the statement about concerning with only own community and country is questionable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
be concerned
about our society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
rather
than giving helping-hand to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. I completely disagree with this fact that it is more beneficial and it is more profitable at the same time to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to increase social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
between humans.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, helping poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
is beneficial and more profitable to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like the USA should construct factory and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as Africa.
As a result
, it will bring profit to developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
budgets and
also
disadvantaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can ensure their populations with work. If the USA does not supply African population with any resources, the number of unemployment and famine will increase to a certain
Did you mean the noun "extent"?
extend
.
Therefore
, developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to poor nations.

Secondly
, giving a helping-hand can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increase relationships between nations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
develop social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
That is
to say that all should be helpful to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world and humanity should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
worldwide organizations have
been formed
to sponsor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
or in need.
For instance
, World Vision, an Australian organization that sponsors children in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can receive a better education and lead a healthy and prosperous life.

To conclude
, in my opinion, everyone in the world is capable of helping others by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
way or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
Therefore
, the statement about concerning with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
community and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is questionable.
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IELTS essay We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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