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Undoubtedly money plays a vital role in people life if persons have money they can fulfil their basic needs.

Undoubtedly money plays a vital role in people life if persons have money they can fulfil their basic needs. WwoD
Undoubtedly money plays a vital role in people life if persons have money they can fulfil their basic needs. But few masses have their goal other people to work. However, some individuals think that money is everything for them. I would like to discuss both views in the following paragraphs. To embark with, it is universally acknowledged that Money is not a god but not less than god so most of the people prefer to earn money because they want to fulfil their basic needs and with the help of money they can make their kith and kins future. so that they also get success in future. Moreover, with the help of money persons can uplift the standard of life. Some persons are kind heart if those have a lot of money then they may charity and help poor people so that poverty will reduce. This is the main reason why people work only for money. On the other hand. Every person has their different choice in their life so that work for satisfaction not for money this is because when they are not satisfied with that job they can not concentrate on their work. If persons have any kind of goal or aim then definitely get the success that works along with they get good money that works because if individual work carefully then they enhance the work and produce the goods with the help of that goods they can get money and enjoy their life. To sum up, money is indeed important for people but somehow persons aim and satisfaction also important because money is also compulsory to fulfil basic needs.
Undoubtedly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays a vital role in
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people
life if
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persons
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they can fulfil their basic needs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
few masses have their goal other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is everything for them. I would like to discuss both views in the following paragraphs.

To embark with, it is
universally
acknowledged that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is not a god
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not less than god
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to fulfil their basic needs and with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their kith and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "kin", the plural form of the noun 'kin'?
kins
future.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
that they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
Moreover
, with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
can uplift the standard of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
are kind heart if those have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
then they
The word 'charity' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
may charity
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that poverty will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
. This is the main reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for money.

On the other hand
. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has
'Each', 'every', 'either' and 'neither' are used with singular and thus take a singular pronoun: "his", "her", "his or her", "its"
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
choice in their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for satisfaction not for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when they are not satisfied with that job they can not concentrate on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
have any kind of goal or aim then definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the success that works along with they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
that works
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
carefully
then they enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and produce the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and enjoy their life.

To sum up,
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money
is
indeed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
somehow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
aim and satisfaction
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
also
compulsory to fulfil basic needs.
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Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Undoubtedly money plays a vital role in people life if persons have money they can fulfil their basic needs.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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