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Traditional and religious festivals

Traditional and religious festivals eE7w7
It is argued that most people have lost sight of the meaning of traditional and religious festivals; nowadays, they just want to enjoy themselves. I somewhat disagree with this opinion. Today, people are extremely busy with their work so festivals are the time for them to make the most of their life. But this doesn’t mean they had forgotten the meaning of these festivals. Today’s life requires people to work hard to be able to match with the development of society. Thus, they don’t have enough time for themselves. Festivals are the the chance for them to enjoy life and spend more time with the ones they love. That are the reasons why they tend to enjoy themselves in these days. For example, Mid-autumn, which is the highlight of our days and years is a festival period that people reunited to eat mooncakes and traditional meals with their families, hang out with their friends for chatting or watch some fascinating perfomances such as lion dance… Therefore, enjoying themselves is one of the priority during festival times. Enjoyment is a people’s primary goal. However, that doesn’t mean they had forgot the significance of these traditional and religious festivals. Every festival have its own name to recall people about the aim of them. Moreover, when a festival happen, the mass media will have programmes to show the document about the events in the past that led to the established of these festivals. In particular, every 10th of march in lunar calendar, there is a big festival in Vietnam to show our gratitude and respect of Vietnamese people for the merits of building and defending the country of the Hung Kings which take place in Phu Tho Province with the joining of a lot of Vietnamese people. In conclusion, i believe that although they are want to enjoy themselves, they still remember meaning of these traditional and religious festivals
It
is argued
that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have lost sight of the meaning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and religious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
; nowadays, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
themselves. I somewhat disagree with this opinion.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
extremely
busy with their work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
are the time for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of their life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this doesn’t mean they had forgotten the meaning of these festivals.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s life requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to be able to match with the development of society.
Thus
, they don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for themselves.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Festivals
are
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
chance for them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
life and spend more time with the ones they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
. That are the reasons why they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
themselves in these days.
For example
, Mid-autumn, which is the highlight of our days and years is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
period that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reunited to eat
Possible spelling mistake found.
mooncakes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
meals with their families, hang out with their friends for chatting or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fascinating
Possible spelling mistake found.
perfomances
such as lion dance…
Therefore
, enjoying themselves is one of the priority during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
times.

Enjoyment is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
primary goal.
However
, that doesn’t mean they had
Use past participle here: "forgotten".
forgot
the significance of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and religious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
have its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
name to recall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the aim of them.
Moreover
, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
happen, the mass media will have
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the document about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in the past that led to
The phrase 'the established of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the established of
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
.
In particular
, every 10th of march in lunar calendar, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
in Vietnam to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
our gratitude and respect of Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for the merits of building and defending the country of the Hung Kings which take place in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Phu
Tho Province with the joining of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe that although they are want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
themselves, they
still
remember meaning of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and religious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
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IELTS essay Traditional and religious festivals

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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