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Today due to advanced medicine, people are living longer. Therefore, the number of elders is expected to exceed that of young people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Today due to advanced medicine, people are living longer. Therefore, the number of elders is expected to exceed that of young people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? 85QQx
It is true that all countries are focusing on bioscience, and today improvements on medicine, resulting from it, are increasing the lifespan of people compared to previously. In my opinion, I believe that it is fruitful for our society, family and government. Despite the drawback below, Firstly one benefit of older people is control to youngsters easily, therefore, adults follow the traditional culture and dressing style, and eldrely people help their children on a number of fields, and give correct advice for a bright future. Secondly, If older men live in family then people and children are living under rules and restrictions, for example, according to the recent research by the government of India, people who stay with their grandparents are more humble and polite rather than others. Thirdly, sometimes adults need some advice for their study, business and many more, so it is mandatory to ask from our grandparents. Admittedly, sometimes older people can create problems for their children, like after retirement only few countries’ provide a pension to older people, consequently in developing countries older people are completely dependent on their children, thus it creates a huge financial worry for their family. Another possible issue is that a number of older people are not given permission to their children such as tonight's party, making more friends and many others, therefore, children can not enjoy their life freedomly, it is the main reason of contradiction between seniors and juniors. In conclusion, people can take advantage of the adults as they have many experiences from their life and it clearly outweighs any disadvantage.
It is true that all countries are focusing on bioscience, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
improvements on medicine, resulting from it, are increasing the lifespan of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compared
Did you mean "too"?
to
previously. In my opinion, I believe that it is fruitful for our society, family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Despite the drawback below,
Firstly
one benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is control to youngsters
easily
,
therefore
, adults follow the traditional culture and dressing style, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
eldrely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on a number of fields, and give correct advice for a bright future.
Secondly
, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in family then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are living under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and restrictions,
for example
, according to the recent research by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of India,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who stay with their grandparents are more humble and polite
rather
than others.
Thirdly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
adults need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advice for their study, business and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is mandatory to ask from our grandparents.

Admittedly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can create problems for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, like after retirement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few countries’ provide a pension to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
consequently
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are completely dependent on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
thus
it creates a huge financial worry for their family. Another possible issue is that a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
permission to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as tonight's party, making more friends and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can not enjoy their life
Possible spelling mistake found.
freedomly
, it is the main reason of contradiction between seniors and juniors.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can take advantage of the adults as they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experiences from their life and it
clearly
outweighs any disadvantage.
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IELTS essay Today due to advanced medicine, people are living longer. Therefore, the number of elders is expected to exceed that of young people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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