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Tobacco and alcohol are drugs that cause addition and health problems. Should they be made illegal? Or should all drugs be legalized?

Tobacco and alcohol are drugs that cause addition and health problems. Should they be made illegal? Or should all drugs be legalized? 7apqn
Gone are the days, People rarely drink alcohol and consume tobacco but today, most of people they even can not imagine their life without alcohol and drugs. Simultaneously, some are remain themselves as an abstemious. Both these products are never been good for health. However, people are consuming these to give company to their friends, bodily comfort, relaxation and as well as to live luxurious life. I personally believe these should not be legal as it can put people's health at extreme risk. First of all, Tobacco contains thousands of slow poison chemicals which will slowly decay our physiological and biological body process. For example, A person who regularly takes tobacco from age 18 to his 70 might collect almost one kilogram of tar in his lungs which is enough to block further respiration process. Similarly, Alcohol also if taken regularly enhances liver to malfunction and helps to develop cirrohosis, a fatal chronic disease. Some people on the other hand might argue that these products should be legal as it helping to boost employment from farmer to factory level but I don't see any good reasoning over this argument because we cannot put our body at risk of health to increase economic condition of country and to beef up employment level. Another obvious concern is, throngs of teenagers nowadays are indulging into these kinds of products and helping them to be addicted more and more and we all know that, Drug addiction is big problem in today's generation. Thus, if such products are made legal then more younger people will get encouraged and finally will get addicted too. Consequently, there will be more health problems along with skills problem and economical problem as people will start wasting time on consuming such products. Finally, Tobacco and alcohol are discovered in a way to provide more comfortable life. Which if consumed in controlled manner is somehow okay but consumption has already gone berserk and intolerable too. Therefore, without any further ado, these products should be made illegal
Gone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "is".
are
the days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
rarely drink
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and consume
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they even can not imagine their life without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and drugs.
Simultaneously
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "ares"?
are
remain themselves as
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
an abstemious
. Both these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are never been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are consuming these to give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to their friends,
bodily
comfort, relaxation and
as well
as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
luxurious life. I
personally
believe these should not be legal as it can put
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
at extreme
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tobacco
contains thousands of slow poison chemicals which will
slowly
decay our physiological and biological body process.
For example
, A person who
regularly
takes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
from age 18 to his 70 might collect almost one kilogram of tar in his lungs which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to block
further
respiration process.
Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Alcohol
also
if taken
regularly
enhances liver to malfunction and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop
Possible spelling mistake found.
cirrohosis
, a fatal chronic disease.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the other hand
might argue that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
should be legal as
Did you mean "it's helping", "it is helping", or "it was helping"?
it helping
to boost employment from farmer to factory level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reasoning over this argument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we cannot put our body at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
to increase economic condition of country and to beef up employment level. Another obvious concern is, throngs of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
nowadays are indulging into these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and helping them to
be addicted
more and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
more and
we all know that, Drug addiction is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation.
Thus
, if such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are made
legal then
Use only "younger" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
encouraged and
finally
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted too.
Consequently
, there will be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
along with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and economical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
wasting time on consuming such products.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tobacco
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
are discovered
in a way to provide more comfortable life. Which
Did you mean "is"?
if
consumed in controlled manner is somehow okay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
consumption has already gone berserk and intolerable too.
Therefore
, without any
further
ado, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
should
be made
illegal

IELTS essay Tobacco and alcohol are drugs that cause addition and health problems. Should they be made illegal? Or should all drugs be legalized?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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