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There should be strict laws banning people from taking photographs of people under 18 in order to protect young celebrities and the children of celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern society, having a private life is a critical subject that children are more likely to damage from that. In my view I am agree that children needs their privacy more even more than adults. This essay will discuss why we should regard to this right of well known youth. A number of people think that celebrities lifestyle should be role model for others, consequently they have tried to figure out how they live and how they nurture their kids, due to these paparazzi are more likely to lure the audience attention by photo of them. In addition in today's world, people are trying to use the brand that celebrities use and do the thing that celebrities to their child or the child celebrities parents do for them, that makes poor family in pressure and also making the luxury life in trend.
In modern society, having a private life is a critical subject that children are more likely to damage from that. In my view I am
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that children needs their privacy more even more than adults. This essay will discuss why we should regard to this right of well known youth.

A number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
lifestyle should be role model for others,
consequently
they have tried to figure out how they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and how they nurture their kids, due to these paparazzi are more likely to lure the audience attention by photo of them. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the brand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and do the thing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to their child or the child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
parents do for them, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
poor family in pressure and
also
making the luxury life in trend.
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IELTS essay There should be strict laws banning people from taking photographs of people under 18 in order to protect young celebrities and the children of celebrities.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
143 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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